Divorce.
A word filled with taboo, misconceptions and best of all, mystery. I must say that before I went through my own, hearing a couple was about to divorce or has divorced always broke my heart. I would always say things like, why couldnt they work it out, but s/he’s so great, they are soo happy together, but they look so good together. Not until the unravelling of my own marriage, did I realize that all those may be true to the outside world, but what matters is the truth behind closed doors. What we see as bystanders and external observers may not and most of the time, is not the whole truth. There are truths that are hidden so far and deep, that even the closest of all bystanders will never be able to grasp or understand. So as bystanders, we need to understand that the things that we hear, and the perspectives that we become acquainted with in someone’s divorce may not be the actual truth or reason for the divorce and/or may not be the full truth. To be fair, if my friend is getting a divorce, I will most probably take her side, not out of bias, but because I will hear all she has to say and not a single defense from her ex-spouse.
Personal experience:
I sat on the kitchen counter as my cousin recounted a story of our cousins’ divorce. Her version was much cruder than the version I had heard from various other people, but her statements towards it hurt me. Perhaps because I was closer to the cousin it happened to, but her disregard and her dismissal of the broken relationship almost made me feel like I needed to defend the now split couple. I stood there stunned because I had first hand information about this divorce, and her words struck a cord. I stood there thinking of the game telephone, I will say monkey and by the time the last person gets the word, my original has turned into drunkard. So why are we so keen on talking of people’s mishaps such as divorce and why should we stop?
1.Do not judge the book by the cover
What I mean by this in terms of divorce is, what you hear is all a cover story. We get to hear the accusations, the lies, the assumptions but most of the time, we never get to hear the full story. We do not understand that the main problem started 3 years ago, or how s/he is rude to the in-laws behind closed doors but kind in public, or how s/he is addicted to a substance but no one wants to talk about. We hear the things that are juicy, no one wants to hear the truth when the stuff going around on the “telephone” are so much juicier. So our spread of what we think is the truth may only be the spreading of lies or the spread of what a spouse knew would hurt the other.
2.Your words hurt more than the divorce itself
I think that sometimes people almost refrain from walking away from a painful relationship out of fear of what people will say. I don’t think that what people say should matter, but that does not make their words any less painful.
3.There is always a back story we do not know about
I always believe that by the time news of a divorce gets to us, before the accusations and outrageous actions of the couple begin, there are deep rooted issues that are either acknowledged or ignored by one or both of the parties. So when we begin to talk about the superficial reasons we think that the couple should stay together, definitely leave or how stupid we think they are, we should acknowledge that there is a huge iceberg underneath the water we know nothing about.
4.There are two sides to the story
It is important to acknowledge that if a friend and I were looking at the same mountain, but one of us is on the eastern side and another on the western side, we would both have separate points of view of that exact mountain. Then if I tell a hundred people about the mountain I saw, my opinion and version of that mountain would be very different from my friend’s. What I am trying to say is, spouses have differences, and perhaps different reasons of why they wish to walk away from their relationships. As bystanders and external observers, we need to respect both sides, treat both sides with dignity and simply be there if needed. It is not a lie, or an over exaggeration that divorce hurts, but sometimes what hurts more are the words that are spread by our loved ones and the ones who wish us harm.
5.There is no innocent party in a divorce
Both sides have faults, mistakes, and definitely reasons why the other would wish to leave. So we should not put too much focus on how s/he hurt our daughter, friends, cousin, sister etc. We need to acknowledge that if we were on the other side, his/her friends and family would probably be saying, “how could s/he hurt our son, brother, cousin, etc”. The story that I tell will be very different from the story that my ex-spouse will tell his loved ones. Sometimes, its not that we are trying to hurt the other, its just that, this is what we see, this is how we feel. So before we start mouthing off, lets consider that there are always mistakes that we or our divorced loved ones made as well.
6.Divorce hurts, don’t make the wound deeper than it needs to be
Divorce hurts, A LOT. What a divorced couple should not have to face are the rumors, the hurtful words and hurtful actions of others as a result of their acceptance or decisions to seek the divorce. As external bystanders, we need to understand that what we think we know and what we think we are talking about may actually be the source of serious trauma for one or both sides of the divorce.
Related Posts:
5 emotions you will experience during your divorce process.
6 things you MUST do to survive the trauma of the divorce process.
