Written September 2018
I feel distraught.
It has been about 7 months since I left Kenya (a 4-month visit) and the drama that was my ex-husband during that visit, which led me to seek divorce. Ever since I came back to San Diego, California. I have done an incredible job hiding, running, and keeping a distance from anything that is remotely related to my toxic marriage, and or/ex-husband. I’ve been running away from facing it because it is just too painful to face. Besides, I do a wonderful job masking my pains until the trauma blows up in my face sometime later.
I have painfully learned from my childhood traumas that trauma does not go away. It waits patiently active until you deal with it. Why patiently active you may wonder? because as it waits for you to acknowledge it and do the work necessary to heal from it, it manifests itself in different parts of your mind and body. Making sure that sooner or later you will have to face the consequences of the trauma you experienced whether you like it or not.
So I knew that I needed to face the realities of my ex-husband and the agonies he enticed in me for 2 years. I just didnโt have the might, courage, or will to face any of it until now.
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I have been focusing on acceptance and dealing with things as they arise. My ex-husband and his narcissistic abuse continuously keep creeping into my radar through conversations, readings, and his efforts to reconnect. Therefore, I have decided it’s time to accept that the abuse happened and allow myself to open up to the pain, re-experience them and find healing.
To say the truth, I am afraid of going down that memory lane, although I acknowledge that the only way I can heal from it all is by revisiting it, understanding it, accepting it, and finally forgiving. At least this is the game plan I am offering myself.
Below are the tools I am using to help me heal from narcissistic abuse:
1.Therapy:
This is an important aspect for me.
During my marriage, I was struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD and a number of serious health issues. But I never connected them to my ex-husband. The stress he caused me was significant, but I always assumed that is what all relationships were like. I have to say I was extremely naive when it came to relationships.
As my physical and mental health continued to worsen, my doctor recommended that I see a therapist, which I did for a session and never went back. She then referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed a number of anti-depressants, which I refused to take.
When my marriage was over, I realized just how much I had gone through, and after a couple of suicide attempts later, I realized what a terrible state I was in. I was more than happy to get a counselor and above that, I also decided to revisit emdr(eye movement desensitization and reconstruction)therapy. So now I have 2 therapists. I see my emdr specialist once a week and my therapy counselor once every 2 weeks. It has made a world of a difference going through deep depths of depression, suicidal thoughts, and despair with professionals who are trained to help me maneuver out of those depths.
2. Chiropractor who specializes on spinal subluxation.
- First of all … what is spinal subluxation?
- Spinal subluxation is when one or more vertebrae are misaligned therefore affecting the function of the nervous system
Not all chiropractors are made equal. I have learned this with experience.
By the time I walked out of my narcissistic relationship, my nervous system was completely shot, completely dysregulated. I couldnโt handle anything AT ALL. I have had this issue before, but never as bad as it was by the end of my marriage.
What does my dysregulated nervous system look like?
Mine looked like this:
- Cannot deal with negative emotions through movies, shows, books or people. I would literally start shaking and if the negative affect is big enough I would have a full blown panic attack, pass out or have a seizure.
- Perfect example: when my friends and I went to watch the black panther, I had been back in the U.S for about 3 weeks. When the movie started, my stomach was a gentle knot, 20minutes in, I was shaking gently with a massive knot in my stomach by the time we got to the climax of the movie I was shaking uncontrollably, teeth chattering, seat shaking, the whole shabang…so I left the theater… I got outside, leaned on a wall and was panting as though I had just finished a marathon. A theatre custodian passed by and I asked how much of the movie was left and he said about 40 minutes. I then stayed outside for 20 of those, then went back in for the last 20 minutes.
I have been seeing my chiropractor for 5 months now, four times a week. I am not completely healed, but I am making a marvelous recovery.
3. A constant
You need a person, thing, hobby, or entity that is positive, kind, and gentle to you that you can think about or go to throughout your healing process.
My constant is the ocean.
I have a Sunday spot on a cliff overlooking the ocean, where I go early every Sunday morning with a thermos of tea and sometimes breakfast. I sit there for hours, without realizing it, breathe, cry, and get lost in the gentility of the sea. In that space, I just am. I accept what the cliff I’m on, the ocean, the dolphins, sea otters and birds below have to offer, and I present myself as I am, broken, hurt, extremely vulnerable, and willing to find healing. At this spot, there is no judgment between the ocean and I, I am and it is.
4. A Good Support System
You need a good group or a solid person (could be your constant) who is there for you through this process.
I wonderfully have my mother, who I am grateful for beyond belief, a solid group of friends who I talk to occasionally, and my therapists and chiropractor.
This is a group of people that is cognizant of my healing journey and are actively putting in the effort for my recovery. They also appreciate my efforts and are encouraging, supportive, and simply there.
5. Guard your mornings and nights
It is absolutely important that you protect your last hour of the day and your first hour of the day. These two hours set the tone for the rest of the day and night. If you get into the habit of exiting the day and entering the day the right way, you will find that you no longer have to barely survive through the days, you will learn to manage, then eventually thrive through the days.
The hour before sleep:
Turn off electronics and put away distractions. Take this time to meditate, pray, journal, read something inspirational or something you enjoy (I would recommend a physical book, not a digital device), breathe, yoga, listen to soft music, paint, color, etc etc.
The hour after you wake up:
Start with breathing exercises, (4,7,8 method). Breath 4, hold 7, and breathe out 8. Do as many as you wish. Then onto positive visualizations ( I like to keep a beautiful picture of nature right in from of my bed. Something that makes me simply want to smile. Then onto about 8oz of water before you get out of bed. Take it extremely easy within that hour, fill it with prayer, breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, tai chi, journaling, etc etc.
6. Read, read, read
Understand the trauma you just stepped out of, this will also help you understand yourself in this stage and hopefully help you put the pieces of your life back together.
Recommended readings: Psychopath free, in sheepโs clothing
7. Exercise and a healthy diet
Exercise is fantastic for generating the right hormones and neurotransmitters in your brain. It is also fantastic for warding off depression and if you already have depression like me, it is fantastic for maintaining its effects and even recovering from it.
My emphasis on a healthy diet is more geared towards the happy gut. 90% of the serotonin in our bodies and minds is made in the gut (which for some reason gets battered during a narcissistic relationship), therefore eating right to make sure that the neurotransmitter you need most for joy and to avoid depression is well maintained.
Recommendations: a good probiotic that works for you, l-glutamine powder to help the gut repair if any damage was caused, an elimination diet if food is a big problem for you as it is for me.
8. Journal
Write! Write! Write!
The writing process is one of the best tools of self-expression and relief that you have during and after abuse. So write it all out. Write even the things you donโt think are worth writing, you will later find that those were the things you needed to write the most.
9. Meditation
Do as much meditation as you possibly can, even if that is just a minute in the morning and a minute before you sleep. Find a quiet peaceful place where you will not be disturbed, close your eyes and observe. Whether you are observing your mind or your breath, this is a powerful way to rewire your brain, recover from trauma and find internal peace.
Recommended programs: Calm, insight timer
10. A whole lot of self care
This is where you get yourself back.
Part of the effects of narcissistic abuse is the erosion of identity. My ex-husband did such an incredible job on me, that I no longer knew who I was.
Self-care and self-rediscovery through taking care of your health (which is most likely going to have challenges it didnโt have before the relationship), doing things you love, reconnecting with people you disconnected from etc etc.
The secret here is to do more of what you love and give yourself the time to heal.
Additional Resources: Online Support Groups
Support groups can be a wonderful way for you to connect with people who have recently started their journey, as well as those who have been on their journey for a while. You will get to be with a group of people who understand what you are going through and are able to give you the emotional support you need during this stage of your healing journey.
