I remember the day like it was yesterday.
It was an early Sunday morning in February. I had been back home in San Diego (from a torturous 4 month trip to Kenya) for a few weeks and significantly struggling with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, severe agoraphobia and seizures.
Backstory:
My physical health wasnโt holding up very well, as has been my norm for the last few years. I was in constant pain, my stomach couldnโt stomach anything, so vomiting, diarrhea and constipation were a norm, and I was always tired. Not just tired, I would spend most of my days and nights in bed and would make significant effort, more like I would need to calculate the energy needed to get up and out to get food, shower or even leave the house, and would need significant rest after expending that energy.
All that coupled with full body inflammation attacks that left me fatigued, in pain, unable to move and simply in tears.
My 4 month trip to Kenya was agonizing to say the least. I had spent the first 3 in a narcissistic abuse pressure cooker and the last month tirelessly fighting to get out of that marriage.
When I landed in San Diego, I cried. A hearty, whole hearted, weeping of release, gratitude and freedom. I was beyond grateful that I had just made my way out of that relationship and given myself a new opportunity of life.
When I came back, I made the effort to re-establish my norm. Of course ย I knew it would not be easy or take a short time. Recovery from a narcissist is a lifelong journey that I then added to my list of recovery journeys.
I started with regularly visiting one of my favorite places in San Diego, that during my marriage was a regular piece of contention and argument. The Scripps Oceans Reserve. A rugged cliff 300ft above the crashing waves overlooking the pacific ocean. I made it a regular sunday morning trip.
I was free.
I would go and still go with a thermos of tea and just sit. Observe. Breathe. Exist. Most often, weep, cry and just allow myself to be.
Thoughts That Fight Back
On this fateful day, I made my way to the cliffs early as usual, before the sun fully awakens so I may catch a glimpse of schools of dolphins and other schools of marine life that disappear with the morning fog.
I sat there in contemplation. One of the many things I had been struggling with, were depths of depression that brought/bring about despair and thoughts of suicide. Usually beginning with questions that I canโt seem to find answers to and the spiral brings me all the way down to, so what is the point? Why even try? Wouldnโt death be better than this? Etc etc.
I usually hold my own against these thoughts.
I challenge them, fight them, argue with them, reason with them and most of the time manage to win. By the end of the conversation between myself and I, I manage to offer myself a sense of acceptance and validation of those thoughts and manage to reason myself out of that specific episode.
Usually ending with, why don’t we sleep it off, or watch a cartoon, or whatever else that serves as a positive compromise. During these situations, I treat myself like a separate person and reason, offer care, kindness and whatever else I think I need to help me at that time.
When The Suicidal Thought Becomes Something Else
On this day, there was no thought. There was an urge.
As I sat there, hundreds of feet above the cliff, I drank in the peace that came with this place, closed my eyes, listened to the waves and the silence that comes with isolation.
I was truly at peace, all I have ever wanted was peace.
When I opened my eyes, there was a seagull gently floating above the water, emanating exactly what I was feeling and all I remember was a gentle voice, JUMP and my whole body convulsed to that word.
I stood petrified and in shock .
This time, there was no conversation, no argument, just action. I realized that I was in a much deeper hole than I thought I was. To this point, my doctor had given me multiple referrals to a therapist and a psychiatrist and had been urging me to go during every appointment, which were a lot. But I had been telling myself that I was OK enough to manage.
This incident made me realize that I needed more help than I could and can offer myself.
I walked away.
I didnโt look back or stop to listen or converse with myself. I walked.
Usually, as I walk away from the cliffs, I walk for a little bit, stop,ย listen to the waves and look back at the ocean, allowing myself to enjoy the view and sounds of fading waves from different perspectives. But on this day, I didnโt stop, or allow myself to think. I just walked, got into my car and drove straight home.
The next day, I made an appointment with the therapist my doctor had referred me to.
Now, I have two therapists. An EMDR specialist, who I see weekly and my talk therapist, who I see once every two weeks.
Suicidal Thoughts And Depression
When suffering from severe depression, suicidal thoughts can be extremely overpowering. I cannot lie to you, I am not fully out of the gray area of suicidal thoughts.
But I have significant help outside of my head, my therapists help me process what I feel, how I interact with the things that happened and the things that keep happening that make me feel like I just ought to do away with myself.
Is Depression A Spiritual Problem?
No. This is not a spiritual problem.
As a matter of fact, religious rulings pertaining to my divorce were part of the problem that made me feel like I ought to do away with myself. So no, I donโt need to just pray about it and it will go away. NOPE.
Depression is an imbalance in the neurotransmitters of the brain. A lot of things can cause an imbalance in the brain. For me, childhood trauma, severe life challenges and a narcissistic abuse that resurfaced every bit of trauma I have ever experienced in my life, took my already imbalanced brain, into deeper depths of depression than I have ever experienced in my life.
I just wanted death.
Not just death to end it all, but death where the only mercy I would be under is God’s Mercy. There would be nothing but the truth, nothing but what my hands have actually put forward, and nothing but God and I. No man’s opinion of a ruling, or judgement of my actions would be part of the picture.
Managing Suicidal Thoughts
I am still working through my depression and suicidal thoughts.
I refused all psychotic drugs that have been offered to me, as a psychology major, I know how they work and just how destructive they can be. The saddest part about anti-depressants is that they only help about 50% of the people who take them, and cause a whole host of other problems. ย I digress.
I decided to take the long way out of this and put my trust in the part of me that wants healing for myself. So I make myself go to my appointments, late or not. I go.
I make myself take care of myself.
I do what I love and what makes me feel worthwhile without thinking too much or I will get all the way back to โwhat is the point?โ and down the cliff we go.
So I dance, sing, workout, write, color, draw, drive, watch cartoons, listen to music, meditate, yoga, tai-chi, kickbox etc etc. Hardest of all, I make myself reconnect with friends. Best of all, I dream, create and fulfill items on a bucket list.
Listening to Depression
If I truly listened to myself, all I would do, always, is isolate myself is my room, with my room darkening curtains drawn, laying in my bed, mind numbing my mind with movies or books. I find that movies and books are an escape, I leave my reality and all the thoughts that create it and jump into something pleasant that makes me feel good about life.
Because I want to respect that part of myself that fights to be left alone, I give myself one day a week when I let myself just be, dark room and all, and truly do as I truly want to do without forcing myself to feel better. Funniest this is, these are the days I feel happiest.ย
I realize that sometimes depression just needs to be felt. Not analyzed, feared, threatened or fought. Sometime you just need to listen, experience and accept.
Hope Lives
There is a part of me that sees a bright future for myself, one filled with balance, joy, ease, tranquility, healing, health and best of all global service. But when the lows really hit, none of that truly matters, and no vision is strong enough to make me want to live and I just have to find it in myself to somehow keep hanging on.
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