Sometimes I spend hours trying to convince myself that this is my life.ย
Rather, I spend hours trying to accept that this is my life.ย As it is now.
Perhaps it’s as a result of spending hours, or perhaps most of my conscious days refuting my life. I understand that I need to stop refuting my present, but I stand firm in refusing to accept that this will be it for the rest of my life.
Constant miseries followed by constancies of pain, agony, and despair.ย It all seems like a never-ending cycle of doomed events.
The Bitter Present
I refuse to accept never-ending agonizing events, painful realities and normalized despair as the fate of the rest of my life. Although I have come to understand that I need and must accept it as my present existence.ย
I spend so much time dreaming and daydreaming of the life I want and how I want it, and how it will be. Although that leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth for the present as it exists.
I know that the future I dream of is not impossible. It is very possible and I know with the right game plan, dedication, and will to put in the effort required to acquire it, it will be.
This is my present and even though I don’t see it, itโs value is priceless. I just need to accept it, understand it and find the sweetness it has to offer before I become bitter for losing this too.
I have come to realize that spending most of my time trying to fix my present makes me lose all of its value. I try to run from it, hide from it and paint it what it is not and by doing so, I create heartbreaking circumstances, that create stress and havoc. By constantly refusing the present as it is, I create resistance that causes pain and difficulty.
Seeking Acceptance
Perhaps I simply need to accept my current circumstances as they are. Accept my present as it is and take the necessary steps to survive it. I know the future is bright, successful and free. But the present presents what it has to offer and it is in my best interest to accept what itโs offering with gratitude, openness and a legitimate action plan of how to get from where I am, to where I want to be.ย
I want a life of freedom, adventure, and grounding.ย
The future that I want is an investment, and I realize now that the future that I want requires the present that I have. My present circumstances are simply building blocks for the future I so much desire. There are actionable steps to get from here to there, and that is what I need to focus on, I need to learn how to anticipate and hope for the future without creating bitterness for the now.
As I am too busy trying to run from the present, I lose its precious moments. The moments that create meaning, the meanings that make life worth living.
My life is tough, and it has been so for as long as I can remember. But accepting it as it is, when it is, and allowing it to be as it is, when it is, gives me peace. Accepting the circumstance of my present suffering gives me present relief.ย
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I have realized that my life right now requires contemplation and silence.
A bigger realization has been that silence around nature allows the mind and soul to observe the nature of its current circumstances and gives those circumstances space to take hold or leave.ย
The more time I spend contemplating and writing, the clearer things become, the more value I find in the future I seek and the more elaborate and freeing silence becomes.
The present feels almost imprisoning.ย
But accepting my circumstances as they are, and allowing them to be temporary gives space for finding peace while experiencing life as it is.
