Why does this hurt so much?
I suppose separation always hurts irregardless of the type of separation. Whether you are dropping a friend, parent or child to the airport or leaving your child at school for the first time, I believe separation hurts. We are a creation of connection, therefore I suppose the gap left, or rather “hole” left by the presence of this person creates some kind of discomfort and at times pain.
Although, I must say that the separation of divorce deserves its own category of separation. Whether you are leaving each other because one of you is the “bad guy” or that you both decided that divorce is for the best. The fact of the matter remains that this is a separation that will create a lot of hurt. Perhaps not to you and your spouse alone, but to your family and perhaps friends as well. So what are some ways you can survive the process of divorce? The emotional agony that comes with it, perhaps from your spouse, family, friends, lawyers or the system. What can you do to make sure that you get out of it alive, perhaps without too much damage done to your self?
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Personal experience:
For a good part of the separation part before I actually got my divorce, I went through days numb. Perhaps if I was a person with a vice or a habit, I would have probably engaged in it without recourse. I wanted not to have to think, hear, feel, or even see the circumstance of my then husband. I was in a lot of pain and I simply did not want to feel it and whenever a situation arose that forced me to face my reality, I got infuriated. The only thing I was able to do was protect myself, and the shield that seemed to come up was anger.
For the most part, anger is a protective emotion that comes up in place of hidden vulnerability. So I would simply get angry. Not frustrated or irritated, angry. This is very unlike me, I am the shake it off, laugh it off, talk it out and get over it type. During this period of time, I became the make a fist, tense your jaw, get silent and walk away, uncontrollably shaking, angry type.
I soon started neglecting my morning routine, (meditation, recitation of scripture, journaling, and breathing exercises) that keeps me sane and maintains my daily dose of personal development. I then started spending lots of time in bed and eventually engrossing myself in books after books. Not to say that reading is bad, but reading in the extent that I was, reading from about 7am to 3pm without eating or interacting with anyone, with a break for water or tea, reminded me that I needed to face my pains rather than bury them within. I know that I sidewall my emotions and function on a “happy” auto drive as a protective coping mechanism, but I also know that when my emotions decide to be heard, they will be in a very destructive manner.
What to do:
1.Let yourself feel the emotion.
I started allowing myself to feel the emotions that overcome me, but I usually did this practice with small circumstances, when the going got tough, I realized that I actually needed to be more mindful in letting myself feel the emotion.
You need to allow yourself to let the emotion run its course and do as you please to service that emotion. So if the emotion is pain, and you feel like crying, screaming, running etc. Do it. Let your mind and body process the emotion as they need to without your control over it. You simply need to be the observer.
2.Do something nice for yourself almost every day.
I mean this.
This made a big different in how I managed to accept what was happening and deal with the situation in the present. I cannot say that the hurt went away because I focused on myself a bit more. No, the hurt was and is still here. But giving myself reasons to smile made it so much easier to make it through the days.
So go watch a movie by yourself, take a walk, go to your favorite spot in town, take a drive in a scenic route, buy yourself ice-cream, buy yourself a flower, or bunches of flowers, take a bath, take yourself out, get dolled up and look nice, the list is endless. Just make sure that you do something small for yourself every day. You may think that you do not have time for it, but you do. Just do something small for yourself on a daily basis. One of my favorite things was serving myself food in a beautiful setting. Serve my food in china, put it on a beautiful tray, put in a nice movie or sit somewhere with a nice view and simply enjoy my time with myself.
3.Journal
It is so important to be vulnerable with yourself and truly let yourself be heard. It is not easy to tell people everything that happened, and in my case I did not want to say everything that happened and perhaps you do not want to tell anyone everything you are going through. Therefore it is important to have an outlet and that is where journaling comes in. Speak your truth and let it be heard. You are the only one hearing it and there is no judgement because you are the only one that will get to read it. On the plus, it will have been released and documented.
4.Find a balancing activity.
It is important for you to start doing an activity that balances your emotions and body. This can be meditation, yoga, tai-chi, breathing exercises or any other practice that will simply slow you down, slow down your thinking and put you in a place where you get to increase the activity of your frontal cortex and reduce the effects of anxiety, worry, fear, etc.
5.Actively engage in personal development exercises.
At a time when you feel like you are simply falling apart, it is important to find and establish an activity that you do every day that works on developing your character or some other type of personal improvement. For instance, I was actively engaged in mirror work for self-esteem and self-love purposes. In addition, I put my efforts into my blog and researching the prospects of an online store. I figured that since something that I truly cared about is raveling before my eyes, I might as well build something in its wake. So what are some of the things you have been wishing to improve on in your life? Pick one, and focus on it.
6.Exercise
I cannot stress the importance of this part. Exercise! exercise! exercise!
In a time of continuous emotional stress, it is important to establish strenuous physical activity to reduce stress and increase positive effects in your system. Exercise will increase dopamine and serotonin, which are both stress reducing hormones and “feel good” hormones. Do an activity that exerts the tension, frustration and hurt you feel. I usually kick-box or dance and do strength training and it does the job.
Related Posts:
5 emotions you will experience during your divorce process.
Reasons we should stop talking about people’s divorces.
