I am having a hard time letting go of the past.
Itโs not like Iโve struggled with it before, this time itโs different.ย
ย
The Body Remembers.
Before, I would struggle with letting go in a very physical, painful, heart and gut-wrenching manner. As most people with trauma understand or will come to understand, trauma manifests itself in the body in various ways. As I struggled to emotionally release and let go of the past, my body just would not let go.
My body has not fully learned to let go of its past traumas, but breathing exercises, yoga, chiropractic (spinal subluxation) corrections, exercise, kickboxing, and dance are slowly getting me to the place I need to be.
Not to mention the efforts I put into the journey of understanding my chronic illness to find recovery and wellness. All these have become tools that are helping my body become more aware of itself and release what is no longer beneficial for it, which at the moment seems to be almost everything.ย
ย
Mental and Emotional Hang Ups
This time around, the difficulty of letting go is emotional and mental. Old ideas manifest themselves emotionally and make the past seem comfortable regardless of its trauma.ย
Here, there is a fear of the unknown.ย
As I work to accept my past, to reconstruct my present and redirect the direction of my future to a more positive, purposeful, intentional and freeing one, I struggle to let go of the comfort of knowing a turbulent life.ย
Even though I feel ready to let go and I am putting in the effort and work required to let go, my mind and emotions wonder about the validity of the type of life I seek and whether letting go of my past, itโs old ideas and its consequences is a good idea.ย
To be fair with myself, I have been in the wallow of my past, itโs agonies, tribulations and the constant brace for impact for 27 years, that letting go and simply living, and enjoying life is creating backlash.
When you are born on a battlefield, trying to leave its destructive ways can be self-destructive in itself. Not in a bad way though, in the way that, when trying to make a change, get an improvement, or do major reconstruction, things always get worse before they get better.
ย
When The Past Feels Safe
I have come to feel at ease with disease, difficulty, tension, trauma, and pain. Trying to reconstruct my life so I may live with ease, and simplicity makes me feel as though I am losing something precious and I ought to hold on forever.ย
There is a part of me that feels as though it is about to get abandoned, forgotten and unimportant. This part of me that has been the most important for almost 3 decades, it learned to adapt to struggles and thrives in pain and is desperately hanging on to the past and itโs agonies because that is all it knows.
Being that this part of me has been the most dominant for so long, I understated why it may be feeling unappreciated by letting go of what makes it thrive.
ย
Offering Myself Gratitude
I once mentioned to my chiropractor that I was having difficulties letting go of the past, and he advised me to offerย gratitude to whatever part of me that is offering resistance. I then realized that I needed to thank that part of me that learned to survive and got me all the way to where I am now.ย
Not that I am willing and ready to forget it and the massive contributions it has offered to my life. No. I am ready to offer it change, joy, ease and a more positive, fulfilling way of life and living. ย
So I offer it gratitude as I slowly make steps out of the past into the present with the anticipation for a fantastic future.ย
The part of me that wants healing, ease, joy, laughter, travel, exploration and the thrill of simply living is determined to make life worth living. No longer living to barely survive physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially, but living to find the beauty in silence, noise and everything in between.ย
ย
Giving Myself Space to Discover
For a good deal of time, I would look at my life and argue with it. I would always say, โthis isnโt it, this canโt be the point of lifeโ. And I was right, living in constant, pain, agony and fear isnโt living, itโs not even surviving, itโs drowning. And the worst part of it, itโs conscious drowning. You feel every pang, every pinch, and notice as your body convulses for air, until it gives up, and you watch as the light above the water disappears into the distance above, as the weight of your past slowly drags you to bottom. Then you learn to survive and thrive in the dark abyss of never-ending drowning.
As I continue to contemplate, write and converse with myself about letting go of the old to allow room for the creation of the new, I understand that there is healing, wisdom, and purpose in the process. And like most things, I just need to keep working on it, observe itโs progress and let the process finds itโs own destination at its own time.
Related Posts:
Why making peace with the past is important
Why we need to accept life as it is๏ปฟ
