Well, the secret became that a part of me always asked the question why. Yet another part of me fought the question to appease the childhood programming, that we should never ask why because that would,
For the longest time, this became a continuous internal battle that wreaked havoc in regards to self-awareness and self-value. Later when I finally decided that perhaps its time I face myself, my past and this particular internal battle, I realized that I wasn’t asking the question why so I may be defiant, I was asking the question why so I can understand.
Seeking Understanding:
I wanted to understand why I was sexually abused as a child; I wanted to ask why and how people found it easy to be demeaning, call me names, tell me I am ugly, I am nothing and I am not good enough etc; I wanted to ask why adults saw it fitting to beat me up as a child; the slap that made me pee on myself and left my ears ringing for days when I was 9, the full-on attack that led to a bleeding scratched back that I still have marks of to this day from when I was 11 etc; I wanted to know why someone could look me in eyes and tell me he would shoot me in the head, when he vowed before God and all our loved ones, to love, respect and protect me; I simply wanted to know why people could be so cruel when I had done nothing to deserve it.
In the search for why came despair. Fueling this despair was the feeling of helplessness. Things happened to me as a child and within my marriage that I had no control over, yet I have to live with the consequences of other people’s actions.
Living the Consequences of Other’s Actions:
I continued to feel victimized and helpless even though the events were in the past. The host of mental and physical ailments did not help either. I have a host of mental and physical chronic illnesses that are tied to childhood trauma and narcissistic abuse. The long list of PTSD, depression, disassociation, panic and anxiety attacks, non-epileptic seizures, autoimmune disease, and the list goes on. Sometimes a small trigger can take me under for days. For the most part, I lived with the understanding that there was nothing I could do about it, I just needed to do enough to survive.
Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life:
After my divorce, I woke up for a slight second and realized that I did not want to survive anymore, I wanted to thrive. I realized that to be able to live the life that I have always dreamed of, do the things that I have always wanted to do, accomplish the grand task of changing the world, I needed to shift from being a victim to being a survivor, then from being a survivor to being a victor. I needed to work my way out of the “woe is me” mentality and simply do something about the things others have done to me and the consequences I live with.
It’s All A Choice:
A mentality change requires a conscious decision to choose. I had to choose between remaining stuck with what the past made me, or actively dealing with the skeletons in my closet in search of a better life.
Choosing to heal is a journey that requires a lot of effort. I don’t know what it is like to just have an ok/good day without doing a million and one things right in the first place.
A manageable day for me begins the afternoon before with a nap, leading into a night routine that sets me up for my ironclad morning routine and a host of pills to keep me functional, or barely functional. Not that all days are good, they are not. Most days are actually dreadful even with the routine. But now I live with the idea that I am no longer a victim and there is something I can do about it. I know with certainty that my actions are slowly changing my present and future.
This isn’t a day long journey, it’s a life-long journey that I will probably be on for a while. But I think it’s a better journey than the journey of consistently drowning with the effects of the past. Not to say that I do not occasionally drown when the past is triggered, I do. But with a changed mindset, dealing with my past has changed. Within those episodes when my past takes me for a ride, I realize that it’s a temporary ride and for the most part there is always something I can do about it.
So WHY? Why is it important to make peace with your past?
Because you will become a better person for it. You will no longer live within the clutches of what happened to you and you will no longer be at the mercy of your past. You will be at the mercy of your decisions and actions. Even in the situations that you are grabbed into the past, you will know that you can take steps to bring yourself back to the present.
The best part about making peace with your past is that you get to learn. You learn who you are and who you can be, and if you choose wisely and decide to go after your potential, you will shock yourself of just how much you are capable of.
As long as you are stuck in the past, as long as you choose to let the past dictate your present and your future, as long as you choose to remain a victim, life will never be what you want it to be. It will always be what others have caused it to be.
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Why we need to accept life as it is๏ปฟ
