It is important to acknowledge that narcissistic abuse is different for each person undergoing the abuse. Each narcissist applies various tools at varying degrees to get what they want out of their abusee. Narcissistic abuse exists on a spectrum. Narcissists utilize whatever tools they see fit for the situation they wish to manipulate. In addition, there is the concern that the narcissist her/himself does not acknowledge that they are abusive in their behavior, and bringing up the concern may only lead to blame, belittling, and possibly aggression towards you.
Personal Experience:
I was in denial.
I refused to believe that I was in a narcissistic relationship even though all the signs were there. Even then, I googled narcissistic abuse multiple times within the duration of our marriage. The first time was about 6 months into the marriage, I agreed with a number of the points and disregarded them. I unconsciously googled narcissistic tendencies again and again as our relationship continued, and each time I agreed with more and more points on those checklists, but every time, I swept everything under the rug. I would check off each point as existent in my relationship, yet, I still managed to shake it off and make excuses for him and myself.
1.Manipulate:
Manipulation is the name of the narcissistic game.
Gaslighting along with a number of points in this article are all types of manipulation. Although, noticing that someone you love and care about is breaking you down for their own gain is not very easy to accept or acknowledge.
2.Gaslight:
This is when the narcissist or abuser slowly manipulates you into questioning your reality by their actions and the things they say in order to gain power and control over you.
1.They will project their behaviors to you, and you will feel like you need to defend yourself.
2.They will attack the things near and dear to you, only the attacks will be in a manipulated manner, by making you lose trust, respect, and ties with people/things. In addition to tearing down your sense of self-worth
3.His/her words do not match their actions. This is meant to create a sense of confusion in what you trust.
3.Blame:
Everything is your fault or someone elseโs fault. Everything from global warming to mosquito bites. A narcissist will never accept blame, and bringing it up only leads to one thing. You being the evil of the two. Usually confronted with anger, aggression and/or an overlay of guilt.
It will always be, โits because they are jealousโ, โitโs because your refused to do what I askedโ, โitโs because you will not listen to meโ, โIts because I know it will upset youโ, โitโs because I know you will get angryโ, โitโs because of youโ, โhow could you think of me like thatโ, โI am a good person, but you will turn me into a very evil person and it will be all your faultโ etc etc.
In the circumstance that the narcissist is also addicted to something, this will also somehow become your fault.
4.Aggression & violence:
Most people within an abusive relationship assume that aggression and violence only applies when someone makes physical contact. Yes, that is part of aggression and violence, but a lot more is included within it than a smack. Pulling, pushing, blocking your movement, shoving, dragging, pulling hair or clothing, grabbing, throwing things etc.
Most narcissists use violence in their ploy to maintain control. These can be expressed as threats that are can either be attached to violence acts or not.
5.Control:
1.Narcissists like to make sure that they are in control of every situation and relationship you are in. This means that they will lie to and manipulate you and the people around you to gain a sense of control and power over you.
2.They will either attack you, your actions, and your close ones and disapprove of them with authority. He/she will convince/threaten you to lose and cut relationships, hobbies, work etc.
3.Eventually you will need to explain,seek approval/permission for anything and everything, which will make you feel like you need to ask for permission for living life itself, possibly even breathing.
Related articles:
Part 2: 6 more painful things a narcissist will do to you
