Divorce is the breaking of something extremely sacred, at least as far as I am concerned.
Divorce is the breaking of everything that you have held near and dear to you for however long your marriage has been. Divorce, is the breaking of the hopes and dreams that you had established when you were happily getting into the bond of marital bliss. Divorce is the finalized action of the realization of pain and suffering that you have been living for some time.
Yes, divorce is painful, but nothing compares to loving something that hurts you. I think that by the time a couple gets to the point of divorce, all the hopes and dreams of a life and future together are broken long before. Those hopes and dreams are hanging by the slightest thread possible, divorce is simply the official cutting of that final, very thin thread. This lets both parties part in contempt, hate, relief, grief and most of all pain. No one ever wants to lose something near and dear to them, but when what you want is bad for you, sometimes hard decisions must be made, no matter how difficult those decisions are.
Personal experience:
My divorce journey has been a pain. I suppose I did not think that it would be anything different when I got started. I knew that it would be difficult because of how much I loved my ex-husband, or perhaps I can say that I knew it would be difficult because of how attached I was to my ex-husband and how dependent I had become to the cycle of pain and overburdened expressions of love. So when I finally decided to leave, I was extremely conflicted and by all means, faced all kinds of emotions that I had to sort through and occasionally succumb to and simply experience whether I liked it or not.
Emotions I experienced:
1.Doubt
I doubted myself more than I have ever doubted myself in my life. I asked myself repeatedly if I was certain that this is what I wanted. I was not sure of whether the reasons I wanted to walk away for were valid enough.
How to fix it: Talk it out
Find someone, or people you can confide in by telling them the stories of what you have been through and listen to their responses. I cannot say that we are always right or wrong, but sometimes we are right even when we do not think that we are. Talk it out and think through the things that you have been through, and consider with good reason, malice, hate, fear, and anger aside.
Sit and truly consider whether the reasons you are leaving are valid. I suppose the question I kept asking myself during our month apart was, is your life better now that you are separated? And my answer was always YES!!!. To say the least, there was less fear, anxiety, tension and worry in my thoughts and body, I was much calmer, freer and at ease.
2.Fear
I am not certain whether I feared the process of divorce more, or the fact that I was walking away. All I knew was that the fear I was experiencing was nothing compared to the fear I lived on a daily basis while I was married.
How to fix it: Weigh your fear.
Why are you afraid? Truly consider the reasons why you are afraid and try to understand them. Is it because you are fearful of the process and the pain that it will cause? Is it because you depend on your spouse? Is it because you do not want to break you familyโs hearts or your childrenโs hearts? Why are you afraid?
Now consider this, what is worth more? The fear that you have or the freedom that you are seeking from the situation you are in.
3.Guilt
I kept feeling terrible for standing up for myself. I kept saying, perhaps I should just stay, the insults, threats, manhandling, manipulations and controlling behavior will probably go away now that I have decided to leave and he saw how serious I was. I kept telling myself that I was the reason we were both in all this pain, perhaps I should just walk back into the marriage and take whatever was to come.
How to fix it:
1.Understand that feeling and knowing are two different things. You may feel guilty for doing something that is right. You may also feel guilty for something that is not your fault. I knew that the guilt I was feeling was not confounded and neither did it compare to the knowledge of the things I have gone through.
2.Be firm in your decision. You are the only one who understands what you have been through, therefore, even if your family, friends or your spouse guilt you or you guilt yourself. Be firm in the decision that you are making.
4.Shame
Society never makes it easy to walk away from a marriage, whether abusive or not.
This was not a constant emotions for me because it seemed to be overshadowed by my will and determination to leave. I simply threw shame over my shoulder knowing that there isn’t anything that anyone could say that could hurt more than what my ex-husband said and did to me. Therefore I started to feel more ashamed at myself whenever I considered staying, more so than feeling shame for leaving.
How to fix it:
Why are you ashamed? This is an important question to ask yourself. Why are you ashamed and what makes you feel the shame?
5.Anger
My goodness!!! I was angry.
I was angry that I did not wake up to the abusive behavior earlier, and I was angry that I was afraid to stand up for myself. Above it all, I was angry at myself for all the emotions I was feeling. I was angry that I allowed myself to feel doubt, fear, guilt, shame and sadness. And me being me, I was also angry at myself for being angry. Beyond myself, I was angry that someone I loved could put me through so much pain and be un-remorseful to his behavior. Simply put I was angry.
How to fix it:
1.Exercise to let it out, release some steam and simply increase positive hormones in your brain and body.
2.Understand that it is OK to be angry, although it is not OK to be destructive with it.
- There is no better way to let go of anger than learning to love yourself (read more about it here). Now more than ever, you need to shift your focus from the mistakes that you made and that your spouse made and turn it into learning who you are and simply accepting and loving whatever that is. The shift from love to hate and marriage to divorce will change you, now more than ever, it is important for you to learn who you have become and simply learn to love you. I suppose, as you divorce your spouse, learn to marry yourself.
Related Posts:
Reasons we should stop talking about people’s divorces.
6 things you MUST do to survive the trauma of the divorce process.
